Making Time for Yourself-Your Pleasure First

Making Time for Yourself-Your Pleasure First

Untitled designI just wrote an article about turning 60 and what that means for me and my sexuality. And, one of my recommendations to younger women, based on my last several years, is to Take Your Pleasure First.

It struck me the other day that most of the articles we see in magazines like Cosmo and even in places like WebMd with tips for women on how to please a man. I’m all about pleasing a man but I bristled this time, after seeing one too many of those trite, cutesy how-to stories.

One of the first things we should be teaching women of all ages is to pay attention to their own needs.

You know the saying “love thyself”—it applies to sex as well.

Why does it matter?

When the headline reads, Ten Tips to Make Him Happy in Bed, the focus is on how to please your man.  Woven in—a subtle message that his satisfaction is more important than yours. It’s somewhat like the old-timey advice on how to be a good housewife. Because his happiness is really what makes the world go around? Right? #CharitySex

The best way to make your partner happy in bed, or in aspect of a relationship, is to be comfortable and happy with your own life. We can’t make our partners happy. We are not responsible for that. Of course, you could just give him a quick BJ and he would be temporarily happy!

Why Does Our Sexual Pleasure Matter?

  1. We can’t teach others something we don’t know. If you can’t figure out how to give yourself an orgasm, chances are he won’t be able to either.
  2. Putting someone else’s needs above your own isn’t ideal. Women often struggle with feeling ‘less than’ in a world where gender bias still predominates. We start by making ourselves important!  Let’s reinforce the notion that we own our sexuality in a powerful way. That won’t happen if the message is all about him.
  3. Maintaining a healthy sex life should include a balance of attention to yourself and to the relationship. They are entwined. Start with yourself.
  4. When you prioritize your own sexual needs you might just feel more excited about sex. There is confidence in knowing your own responsiveness and becoming more familiar with your body.


This isn’t a feminist rant, though it might come close. This is more about you stepping into your desire. Taking ownership of your body, your orgasm, your capacity and desire to be an equal sexual partner. That is the best way to satisfy your man. If you have one of those men who doesn’t see it that way? Maybe it’s time for couples counseling or to move on!


original image: HaoJan via photopin cc


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