03 Apr Q&A-Help, I’ve Lost My Sexual Desire
So, I’m going to tackle this topic delicately because I don’t want to diminish the validity of this woman’s feelings. And, let me acknowledge right now that I can’t put myself in her head or really know how my suggestions might work for her. But it’s worth a try if she’s willing to experiment and her husband understands that she gets to call a halt if it’s not working out.
It sounds like you and your husband are having an open conversation about your loss of interest in sex. That’s wonderful! You care about him and you want to satisfy him and that’s great. But, don’t do that if you’re going to resent him or find yourself growing more distant in the process (not that you’ve indicated anything like that).
In my experience much of desire is a mental process. We have to think about sex and visualize our bodies being aroused. As with many things in life, the more we think positively about it, the more likely we are to genuinely slip into those feelings. Just like we force ourselves to get dressed on those days we’d rather stay in pjs. Or going to a party we’re dreading–we get all dolled up and put on our happy face and find that the party turns out to be a lot fun! We make an effort and give it a little time, knowing we can leave at any point.
I’m currently writing a book about finding and cultivating our desire, after hearing from so many women who feel disconnected from their bodies. One of my suggestions is to begin a sensuous self-care practice to awaken your body. You start by surrounding yourself with the little things that activate your senses-silky body creams, food that melts on the tongue, aromas… You practice creating and experiencing pleasure, gradually expanding to the sexual. Caressing your own body in the shower, getting a massage, reading erotica. And, keep going. Get out the coconut oil and get to know your body all over again. Don’t expect to feel waves of desire, don’t push for the orgasm. Explore your genitals- get to know your clitoris, the feeling of fingers gliding across the delicate inner thighs, your labia. What feels nice? Do you like light pressure or a firmer touch. Is your skin tingling? Breathe deeply and relax. Enjoy this and consider it a form of meditation if you will. The goal is to strengthen the pathways that lead to sexual desire. Three minutes, twenty minutes…whatever you can tolerate at first. No pressure, no expectations.
I could go on but this is enough to process for now. The next steps involve bringing your husband into the practice with you. The two of you would plan to add in a little physical contact depending on what you’re up for. It might be as simple as cuddling on the sofa or something more intimate like lying in an embrace in bed. You might try taking a shower together and washing each other. It will depend on your comfort level and how willing you are to be vulnerable. We’ll talk more about this in my next article.
I want to applaud you for talking about this with me and for taking steps to recapture the sexual desire you experienced in the past.
Accept that she’s trying and be open to exploring this slowly with her. She cares about pleasing you and that’s a wonderful thing for your relationship. It must be difficult for you to understand what’s happening; she feels the same way. As challenging as it is when you feel desire and she doesn’t, try to accept the level of intimacy that she can give now without expectations. If a foot massage is what she needs to feel connected, go with it. The bigger problems tend to arise when couples stop touching completely.
When sexual desire diminishes it affects both partners. It has an impact on our relationships, our energy, our sense of well-being and our femininity. I do believe it is possible to rekindle sexual desire, but I can’t promise that it’s as easy as I’ve made it sound.
Take your time. Give yourself permission to feel uninterested if that feeling arises. Give yourself permission to play and explore. You are already open to the possibility of change and that’s the first step. Now go turn on some hip rocking music, close the curtains and let your body feel the music.
Comments are welcome but please don’t “tell” her what she should do. We each have to find our own way-suggestions or tips that work for you are welcome.