Q&A-Help, I’ve Lost My Sexual Desire

Q&A-Help, I’ve Lost My Sexual Desire

sexuality, loss of desire, medication, libidoI got a question today from a woman who is on a medication that has taken away her sexual desire. As she says, “zero, zip, nada, nothing.”

So, I’m going to tackle this topic delicately because I don’t want to diminish the validity of this woman’s feelings. And, let me acknowledge right now that I can’t put myself in her head or really know how my suggestions might work for her. But it’s worth a try if she’s willing to experiment and her husband understands that she gets to call a halt if it’s not working out.

Dear Reader,

It sounds like you and your husband are having an open conversation about your loss of interest in sex. That’s wonderful! You care about him and you want to satisfy him and that’s great. But, don’t do that if you’re going to resent him or find yourself growing more distant in the process (not that you’ve indicated anything like that). 

In my experience much of desire is a mental process. We have to think about sex and visualize our bodies being aroused. As with many things in life, the more we think positively about it, the more likely we are to genuinely slip into those feelings. Just like we force ourselves to get dressed on those days we’d rather stay in pjs. Or going to a party we’re dreading–we get all dolled up and put on our happy face and find that the party turns out to be a lot fun! We make an effort and give it a little time, knowing we can leave at any point.

I’m currently writing a book about finding and cultivating our desire, after hearing from so many women who feel disconnected from their bodies. One of my suggestions is to begin a sensuous self-care practice to awaken your body. You start by surrounding yourself with the little things that activate your senses-silky body creams, food that melts on the tongue, aromas… You practice creating and experiencing pleasure,  gradually expanding to the sexual. Caressing your own body in the shower, getting a massage, reading erotica. And, keep going. Get out the coconut oil and get to know your body all over again. Don’t expect to feel waves of desire, don’t push for the orgasm. Explore your genitals- get to know your clitoris, the feeling of fingers gliding across the delicate inner thighs, your labia. What feels nice? Do you like light pressure or a firmer touch. Is your skin tingling? Breathe deeply and relax. Enjoy this and consider it a form of meditation if you will. The goal is to strengthen the pathways that lead to sexual desire.  Three minutes, twenty minutes…whatever you can tolerate at first. No pressure, no expectations. 

I could go on but this is enough to process for now.  The next steps involve bringing your husband into the practice with you. The two of you would plan to add in a little physical contact depending on what you’re up for. It might be as simple as cuddling on the sofa or something more intimate like lying in an embrace in bed. You might try taking a shower together and washing each other.  It will depend on your comfort level and how willing you are to be vulnerable. We’ll talk more about this in my next article. 

I want to applaud you for talking about this with me and for taking steps to recapture the sexual desire you experienced in the past.  

Dear Husband,

Accept that she’s trying and be open to exploring this slowly with her.   She cares about pleasing you and that’s a wonderful thing for your relationship.  It must be difficult for you to understand what’s happening; she feels the same way. As challenging as it is when you feel desire and she doesn’t, try to accept the level of intimacy that she can give now without expectations. If a foot massage is what she needs to feel connected, go with it. The bigger problems tend to arise when couples stop touching completely.

~

When sexual desire diminishes it affects both partners. It has an impact on our relationships, our energy, our sense of well-being and our femininity. I do believe it is possible to rekindle sexual desire, but I can’t promise that it’s as easy as I’ve made it sound. 

Take your time. Give yourself permission to feel uninterested if that feeling arises. Give yourself permission to play and explore. You are already open to the possibility of change and that’s the first step. Now go turn on some hip rocking music, close the curtains and let your body feel the music.

Walker 

Comments are welcome but please don’t “tell” her what she should do. We each have to find our own way-suggestions or tips that work for you are welcome. 

7 Comments
  • Carol Cassara
    Posted at 09:40h, 03 April Reply

    I remember when my libido waned during perimeno & I went straight to my gynie. “Something’s wrong!” I told him. Which tells you how little education there is on the subject. But if you go looking you can find all sorts of resources with detailed suggestions. Blessings.

    • Walker
      Posted at 12:42h, 03 April Reply

      Thanks for sharing Carol. Sadly this isn’t a topic that most doctors are equipped to handle.

  • Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com
    Posted at 11:15h, 03 April Reply

    Hi Walker! For me sexual desire is just about 99% in my head. When my mind is bogged down in the details of daily life and/or worried or stressed about something it is VERY hard for me to be amorous. Reading books or watching movies about people deeply in love (not explicit–been there tried that) always helps to remind me how much I too love my husband and that seems to switch my mind toward my husband in loving ways. I also meditate daily which helps me focus my mind and get it off those things that don’t help and keep them focused on my husband and the good life we have together. Spending time together having fun and thinking about him in connected way is very essential to me. Your suggestions are all wonderful but only when they help me get my “mind” in the mood as well. ~Kathy

    • Walker
      Posted at 12:43h, 03 April Reply

      Kathy, agreed. It needs to be a combination of both. I think when the problem is a loss of desire coupled with diminished feelings it takes touch–and a slow approach–to get back in the game. For me, when my brain is engaged I’m going to have much more fun!

  • Brian Buchbinder
    Posted at 09:01h, 11 April Reply

    I can imagine that living with someone and keeping desire alive, particularly when our libidos change, must be difficult. I can’t recommend my style to anyone, but that I still get breathless when I think of my partner of 17 years (and she’s the same about me) has a lot to do with the fact that we’re still dating, never assume that even a standing date will happen until we check in with each other, and don’t have to negotiate the details of meal prep and cleanup and general maintenance. Opportunities for conflict are much fewer when each partner has total autonomy. When sexuality, sharing a bed (not the same) are treats, not “the usual” it feels more celebratory than ordinary, just about every time. YMMV

    • Walker
      Posted at 10:02h, 11 April Reply

      Brian, your relationship sounds wonderful. And, I love the stress on the careful and intentional way the 2 of you come together. That sense of ‘sameness’ can all too quickly morph into boring! Thanks for sharing what works for you.

  • Q&A-How to Rekindle Sexual Desire - Walker Thornton
    Posted at 11:35h, 04 May Reply

    […] ← Q&A-Help, I’ve Lost My Sexual Desire Sharing My Writing Process → […]

Post A Comment