Learning How to Talk About Sex

communication, sex talk

Learning How to Talk About Sex

Women in their 50s, 60s and 70s were typically raised to be less vocal, or cautioned to be gentler, less assertive in their communications. To be clear and strong was, and often still is, equated with aggression. In a woman. Men are expected to be clear and assertive–until it comes to sex. Both genders are rendered somewhat speechless on this one. It’s the greatest education we never got–how to talk openly about sex with the people who matter to us.

When teachers push abstinence without answering questions about sexuality and desire, the door to communication is firmly closed.

When parents, schools, churches, and the media send a message that women aren’t supposed to have desire, and older women don’t want sex, we are made to feel shame. So we don’t talk about what we want.

When women openly promote access to birth control or talk about having sexual needs and desires they’re labeled sluts. So we keep quiet.

So when we get to our bedrooms we don’t have the right language skills to express our needs and wants. We don’t know how to ask for what pleases us.

If we want to feel empowered in our sex lives—if we want to lead a sexually aware and full life—we have to learn how to express ourselves: to ask our questions, communicate our needs, and listen to our partners.  

Exactly how would that help, you ask?  

  • A woman would feel comfortable telling a doctor intimate issues and asking for advice. So many women are reluctant to talk to their gynecologist about sexually-related problems.
  • Women would be able to seek information they need rather than operating from shame or lack of knowledge. Fear keeps us from getting the help or information we want. 
  • More women would have orgasms.
  • Our male partners would be more likely to satisfy us. They need to hear from us in order to better please us. 


Communication between a man and a woman is essential for a strong, mutually satisfying sex life. We don’t come with instruction manuals.

Our bodies are complex. Many men would love to have a woman who knows her body and can guide him to her pleasure spots. Have you ever had a lover who is trying to satisfy you but can’t quite get you there? He’s frustrated and thinks there must a problem. You’re frustrated because he’s “not doing it right”. And, how could he? He doesn’t know that you like to be touched *here* or that you need a specific type of stroking.

How many of you have lain there, still, waiting for him to bring you to completion? Knowing that he’s going too fast, too hard, or not even trying and yet you don’t say a word? After all how can you? What do you say?

Do you even know what to tell him to do?

So when the concern is:

  • I wish I could orgasm with my partner
  • I worry about how my body looks
  • Will I be too dry
  • He won’t know how to make me come
  • I don’t feel turned on

The answer is: Begin talking! Opening up to a partner is the best way to begin to make positive changes in your sex life and in your relationship. Find a way to talk about what you each like when it comes to sex. Share what feels good, what doesn’t feel so good and what you (and he) would like to change.  If the idea feels challenging for you try writing down what you want to say first; or practice in front of a mirror.

Photo by Holly Stratton on Unsplash

  • Carol Cassara
    Posted at 12:28h, 09 October Reply

    I love your posts. Smart talk about sex, never giddy or TMI. Intelligent, direct, helpful and this is yet another example. I send all my girlfriends here! Good stuff, Walker.

    • Walker
      Posted at 12:38h, 09 October Reply

      Oh Carol, you’ve made my day! Thank you. I was just thinking about a post on TMI!! I’m thrilled with your sweet comment.

  • Ande Lyons
    Posted at 20:36h, 09 October Reply

    LOVE the post and REALLY love this quote:

    It’s the greatest education we never got – how to talk openly about sex with the people who matter to us.

    Thanks for keeping the conversation about sex open and safe Walker!

    • Walker
      Posted at 21:44h, 09 October Reply

      Thank you Ande, I’m so pleased to have you here. You and I both know how vital a conversation this is!

  • Lois Alter Mark
    Posted at 21:57h, 09 October Reply

    This is so great. It’s all about communication, and women need to understand that all it may take to improve any part of their lives — including sex — is simply learning to talk about it. Thanks for always approaching the subject so openly and easily. Hopefully that will rub off on the rest of us!

    • Walker
      Posted at 22:00h, 09 October Reply

      Thanks Lois. I think we need support along the way, this isn’t easy. But the more I wrote and thought about answers the more I saw that the common thread is the ability to converse about those things that matter the most.
      I appreciate your support.

  • Yvonne Wray
    Posted at 22:33h, 14 October Reply

    I agree Walker, our bodies are complex and while we all know how to reproduce, producing pleasure in a partner’s body and/or our own body requires more information and communication. This is one of the main topics I’ve been examining in my sensual research daily and it has been pivotal in changing my sex life from hit or miss orgasm to orgasm that keeps getting better.

    I have experienced the turn on that comes from telling the truth specifically about what I want. The sex that results is far better and more reliable than the sex I had when I was young and relied on monthly hormones to drive me rather than communication. Thank you for a good post on an excellent topic.

    • Walker
      Posted at 06:20h, 15 October Reply

      Thank you for being that ‘proof’ of the value of communication. Once I began listening and sharing my thoughts, desires and needs to a partner I found that sex was better, our excitement intensified as did other aspects of the relationship. So glad to hear your thoughts on this.

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