09 Oct Learning How to Talk About Sex
Women in their 50s, 60s and 70s were typically raised to be less vocal, or cautioned to be gentler, less assertive in their communications. To be clear and strong was, and often still is, equated with aggression. In a woman. Men are expected to be clear and assertive–until it comes to sex. Both genders are rendered somewhat speechless on this one. It’s the greatest education we never got–how to talk openly about sex with the people who matter to us.
When teachers push abstinence without answering questions about sexuality and desire, the door to communication is firmly closed.
When parents, schools, churches, and the media send a message that women aren’t supposed to have desire, and older women don’t want sex, we are made to feel shame. So we don’t talk about what we want.
When women openly promote access to birth control or talk about having sexual needs and desires they’re labeled sluts. So we keep quiet.
So when we get to our bedrooms we don’t have the right language skills to express our needs and wants. We don’t know how to ask for what pleases us.
If we want to feel empowered in our sex lives—if we want to lead a sexually aware and full life—we have to learn how to express ourselves: to ask our questions, communicate our needs, and listen to our partners.
Exactly how would that help, you ask?
- A woman would feel comfortable telling a doctor intimate issues and asking for advice. So many women are reluctant to talk to their gynecologist about sexually-related problems.
- Women would be able to seek information they need rather than operating from shame or lack of knowledge. Fear keeps us from getting the help or information we want.
- More women would have orgasms.
- Our male partners would be more likely to satisfy us. They need to hear from us in order to better please us.
Communication between a man and a woman is essential for a strong, mutually satisfying sex life. We don’t come with instruction manuals.
Our bodies are complex. Many men would love to have a woman who knows her body and can guide him to her pleasure spots. Have you ever had a lover who is trying to satisfy you but can’t quite get you there? He’s frustrated and thinks there must a problem. You’re frustrated because he’s “not doing it right”. And, how could he? He doesn’t know that you like to be touched *here* or that you need a specific type of stroking.
How many of you have lain there, still, waiting for him to bring you to completion? Knowing that he’s going too fast, too hard, or not even trying and yet you don’t say a word? After all how can you? What do you say?
Do you even know what to tell him to do?
So when the concern is:
- I wish I could orgasm with my partner
- I worry about how my body looks
- Will I be too dry
- He won’t know how to make me come
- I don’t feel turned on
The answer is: Begin talking! Opening up to a partner is the best way to begin to make positive changes in your sex life and in your relationship. Find a way to talk about what you each like when it comes to sex. Share what feels good, what doesn’t feel so good and what you (and he) would like to change. If the idea feels challenging for you try writing down what you want to say first; or practice in front of a mirror.