Bring on the Sexy-Adult Sex Ed Month

Bring on the Sexy-Adult Sex Ed Month

#AdultSexEdMonth, pleasure, sexuality

Over the last few years I’ve begun to focus on sexuality for midlife women. I, immodestly, want to be one of the reasonable voices talking about sex and sexuality as a balance to the over-exaggerated, sensationalized images and verbiage we see all around us. When companies and celebrities use sex, or adopt sexy personas, as a sales tool the truth becomes distorted.

The over 50 demographic is considered too old to be sexy. We’re ready for Depends and arthritis medications.

Women over 50 are not too old. In fact many older women report having wonderful sex lives–orgasmic, adventurous, romantic and intimate. There are no limits to what women in midlife experience sexually. Yet, for every woman who is having fulfilling sex (however she defines that) there is probably another who wants more information, who needs some help sparking her desire.

Today marks the beginning of Adult Sex Ed month, an effort started by A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind, to provide solid information about sex and sexuality to readers of all ages.

What do women over 50 need to know about sex? Why Adult Sex Education Month? 

What does sex ed for adults really look like? There are no rules, no curriculum guides to follow. No one checking the facts. No tests to pass, no diplomas to display. And, maybe the only real test is personal satisfaction. I don’t know that adult sex education should be focused on how to do it right, how to have the perfect orgasm, how to make your man or woman want you.

My version of adult sex education is about you stepping into your desire. I want you to have the basic facts, but beyond that, a sense of wonder at your own capacity for pleasure. Comfort and permission to practice pleasure, to seek pleasure, and to give pleasure to others if and when you feel the desire to do so.

Having the orgasm is nice. Wonderful, even. But what’s more wonderful is knowing your body, experiencing your own desire and knowing how to summons it when you want. Notice that I’ve left out the G-spot and the A-spot and the blended orgasms and all the perfect positions. What good is it to become obsessed about having G-spot orgasms if you don’t experience desire and pleasure in your own body? If your partner doesn’t turn you on or you’re uncomfortable touching yourself?

Sex education is more than learning positions or knowing why silicone-based lubricants shouldn’t be used on silicone sex toys. Those are important things to know, but they’re not what you will use to build the foundation of your sexuality.

[Tweet “We find our sexual self through our Knowing; what turns us on, how we like to be touched, when to say yes, when to say no”]

How hard to push. When to slow down. When to ask for more. The sensual pleasure of flesh against flesh. Bodies in an embrace that slowly fires up nerve endings. The look, the kiss, the caress that causes our bodies to quicken. The frisson of delight that comes from anticipation.

One can’t teach those things, yet they are the essence of what makes sex sexy. How do you get there? By opening your mind, giving yourself permission, and expressing your thoughts and feelings in a safe way. Or maybe in a daring way–skating on the edge. Trying something new, allowing for the give and take of power play. Going deep and quiet in a meditative way, or getting wild and loud. Only you can find that sensuous mixture that awakens your primal desire.

I invite you to take a look at what gives you pleasure.

Walker 

21 Comments
  • Denise Gabbard
    Posted at 13:02h, 01 June Reply

    Congrats to you for daring to address this. I have so many friends my age (just a touch above 50) that are frustrated and think their sex life is over…and really, this should be the sexiest time of their lives– they know what they like and how to turn a man on–what’s not to love?

    • Walker
      Posted at 13:16h, 01 June Reply

      Absolutely Denise. I think we can be having soooo much fun at this stage. Do invite your friends to read or reach out to me if you’d like and thanks for being so enthusiastic!

  • Joan Price
    Posted at 13:29h, 01 June Reply

    Beautiful post, Walker. You’re so right — first, we need to get into our desire and out bodies, experience how to bring ourselves pleasure (which may feel very different from the way it did pre-menopause). It’s up to us to learn to accept our changes and celebrate our lifelong ability to enjoy sexual pleasure.

    • Walker
      Posted at 13:41h, 01 June Reply

      Thank you Joan. We’re on the same page when it comes to pleasure and sexual desire.

  • Carol Cassara
    Posted at 13:39h, 01 June Reply

    I loved this wise post, Walker. Have missed you!

    • Walker
      Posted at 13:42h, 01 June Reply

      Carol, thank you so much!

  • Erica Jagger
    Posted at 13:43h, 01 June Reply

    Really glad you’re getting the word out that mid-life women are still sexual beings and in fact often coming into a more potent sexuality than when they were supposedly in their prime. I honestly don’t understand when I read articles about 50 + women not wanting sex or feeling undesirable. It is so not my experience that I have to actually remind myself that I’m 51.

    • Walker
      Posted at 14:53h, 01 June Reply

      Erica, I get so frustrated with the message that we’re sexless and headed for the death-by-menopause grave. I’m about to be 60 and have never felt sexier in my life..and now I really know what to do with all that sexual energy!

  • Susie Orr
    Posted at 13:53h, 01 June Reply

    My wonderful husband refused to give up on our sex life, which was pretty non existent for ……. A long time . Then, thanks to a question I posed to Dan Savage on his podcast, we both were introduced to Joan Price, as Dan called her in to answer my question about how to get back the “feelings” again about sex. We read her book together driving up to the lake last summer; the best way to read her book is out loud. Anyway, Joan’s book unleashed a desire in me for more education. That and hormone pellet injections have increased my libido. I believe there are lots of women who want to know more about their bodies. Especially women who are or are about to be empty nesters. Much more freedom to do what you want to do when there are no kids around. Looking forward to reading more of what you have to say, Walker!

    • Walker
      Posted at 14:55h, 01 June Reply

      Susie, you’re lucky to have that man in your life! I’m glad you found me and that you were willing to share your story. Starting with education is the perfect place to start…and a little erotic reading can be so fun. It adds that extra level of excitement, doesn’t it. And, what I’ve found is that the more we think about, and enjoy sex, the more eager we are for more.

    • Brian Buchbinder
      Posted at 09:19h, 02 June Reply

      Hi, Susie,

      I was wondering when someone would talk about how men (assuming as I do, heterosex) have a part in sexual re-awakening. I’m 64, so it’s not news to me that women over 50 are fully-realized sexual beings. I attempt to pass this on to other men for whom it is news. As we men note the passing of our 18-year-old-style libidos, there’s really very little information of how we manage that change. Feeing desire in the heart and in the belly, rather than in the hardness of our members is something many of us have to learn. It’s not just women who change as we all age.

      The focus of media is all on so-called “erectile dysfunction” and its treatment. All men are likely not to respond the way we did as teens. And I don’t deny that not having the easy hard response to stimulation can be felt as loss. But there is so much to be gained by finding our arousal in the boundless arousal that women have and can share with us, if we choose to notice and cherish it.

      As it happens, many fully-ripened women are either not physically or psychologically interested in pounding away as a primary sexual focus. (My lovers still like it once in a while, of course)

      But just as Walker says about women learning to find their responses beyond what they’ve been used to, to attend to what their bodies are telling them, we men can benefit from the same focus on arousal (and not just in the usual place) in all the places in our body/minds.

  • Janie Emaus
    Posted at 14:04h, 01 June Reply

    Great, great post!

    • Walker
      Posted at 14:53h, 01 June Reply

      Janie, thank you. I really appreciate that.

  • Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com
    Posted at 17:34h, 01 June Reply

    Good stuff here Walker….and your line, “The frisson of delight that comes from anticipation.” is a perfect companion to my recent post! Looking forward and anticipating GREAT sex for the rest of our lives is so very important!

    • Walker
      Posted at 07:47h, 02 June Reply

      Kathy, yes our posts have that commonality! There is so much power and juiciness in that mental anticipation and preparation.

  • Rae Francoeur
    Posted at 18:30h, 01 June Reply

    I appreciate reading Walker’s blog today. This is the topic that I’ve been thinking about the last few days as I contemplate a series of questions on this topic for others, like Joan Price, who’ve learned a lot about senior sexuality and who, like Walker, share what they’ve learned. I agree that the middle years and senior years are, contrary to expectation, a natural time to reconnect with our bodies and our sexual and sensual energies. I’m very interested in reading more as this discussion progresses.

    • Walker
      Posted at 07:50h, 02 June Reply

      Rae, thank you. I’m thrilled and honored to see you here. I remember the stirring of emotions evoked by your book, Free Fall. I was struck by your honesty and the level of desire in the story. It encouraged me to open up about my journey.
      I think we need more conversations with thoughtful, sexually engaged older adults–look forward to where you’re headed with this. And a big thanks to Joan for sharing my article.

  • Susana Mayer
    Posted at 00:04h, 02 June Reply

    Totally agree. Adult Sex-Ed is all about learning about our bodies. Especially as we age, it is forever changing. What turns us on, what turns us off, how we look, how we feel. It is a challenge to keep up with all this information. Just when we think we got it right, it changes again. An age of sexual discovery.

    • Walker
      Posted at 07:51h, 02 June Reply

      Thanks Susana. The mix of facts and personal knowledge never ends does it? I enjoy the discovery process and want to encourage others to feel the same.

  • Linda Crowe
    Posted at 16:28h, 02 June Reply

    The over 50 demographic is too old to be sexy? Tell that to Diane Keaton. Susan Sarandon. My husband…

    Still, it’s never too late for a little sex ed.

    Good blog, Walker. Great picture!

    • Walker
      Posted at 16:54h, 02 June Reply

      Well, clearly I don’t think so, but you rarely see much coverage of sexy women of an older age! And, yes we always want a little more education, right?

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