Are You Attracting the Wrong Guys on Dating Sites?- A Reader’s Question

online dating, Q&A, online dating profile

Are You Attracting the Wrong Guys on Dating Sites?- A Reader’s Question

This is a question I got from a long time reader of my blogs. She has a solid job in a field that is traditionally male. She’s secure in her job and independent but she feels like she’s attracting the wrong guys.

I recently gave up my online dating. I tried to be honest and made it clear that I was looking for a relationship, but I kept getting men that were only interested in hooking up and not actually creating a relationship. I had only been online for a year, but I started losing interest because guys started getting creepy and I just didn’t want to deal with the bull. Also some of the guys I actually chatted with online were deterred too when I said straight out I didn’t like to be called baby or silly nicknames like that when we didn’t even know each other. They all right out stopped chatting online with me so I was like whatever. You obviously weren’t interested. I somehow don’t know how to find a guy that can accept me for who I am and the type of job I have.

You aren’t interested in guys who just want a quick hookup or who treat you in a way that feels demeaning so it’s helpful to learn that information as soon as possible. These guys are doing you a service by being so forward in their first contacts—as frustrating as that may seem. Unfortunately that frustration is part of the online dating process.  We all get contacted by people who don’t feel like a good ‘fit’. Yes, there are people who find the right one pretty quickly but that’s rare. You just have to keep looking and chatting and looking some more.

Have you considered making your profile more direct? Saying some of those things you want in a guy? I’m not a big fan of the profile that lists all the things a person doesn’t want. But there are ways to reflect your independence, seriousness, and professional life that might help to weed out the ‘hookup’ guys.

~  ~

I applaud this woman for being clear on what feels wrong for her. She is able to state that she doesn’t want to be called “baby” by a complete stranger. And, she understands the value of a man who respects her career and her interests. Those are important in knowing oneself and in making good choices. She’s not willing to tolerate behavior that doesn’t work for her.

So what do I advise my friend to do? Take a breather, get out with friends, do something new and different, and then reconsider getting back online. Look at rewriting or tweaking her profile to emphasize her serious work and nature. And, just be patient. Advice I give myself right now, having just gotten back into the dating game myself.

What would you suggest?

 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

10 Comments
  • Katie Paul
    Posted at 07:30h, 10 March Reply

    My friend told me once that online dating is a numbers game — you can only expect to find 1 person in 10 that’s even remotely suitable. When a man bows out early, he’s doing you a favour — giving you more time to focus on who’s next and moving you closer to the ‘right’ one.

    As well as Walker’s brilliant advice, I would also caution against taking it all so seriously. By not looking for the perfect guy, you open yourself up to the joy of surprise. Sometimes, a prince does come along in the guise of a frog. If you’re filtering out everyone who is green, you might be missing out.

    Good luck, internet dating is tough, but it can also be a wonderful adventure.

  • Carol Cassara
    Posted at 08:29h, 10 March Reply

    I think she should get on the phone with them before meeting up and have a conversation including a direct one about this. “Here’s what I’m looking for…here’s what I’m not…if this is a fit, great, if not, I wish you luck” sort of thing. So as not to waste her time.

  • Susan Bonifant
    Posted at 10:06h, 10 March Reply

    I’m with Carol. Charge right into the discussion. Maybe encourage her to (with humor) start one about what they both hate about online dating. “For example…(baby comment here)” I’m sure you’re on target, your advice is pretty follow-able.

  • Ms. Quote
    Posted at 10:14h, 10 March Reply

    When I was doing the online dating thing, I found that there was a large number of men that never read profiles. All they’d see is a woman’s post and hit the reply button. And, yes, about 10% of men are possibly suitable and at best, two or three are worth meeting. (It only takes one to capture your attention, and hopefully heart, right?)It’s very unlikely that there’s anything wrong with your reader’s profile. It’s very likely that her inbox is filling with responses from men (and a lot of creepsters) that reply to every woman in playing the numbers game.

  • Tracy Fredericks
    Posted at 10:44h, 10 March Reply

    Hello,

    Dating is not always easy but can be fun if you look at it in a different way. I would advise two things: the first, I would agree with you in telling her to take a break and come back to online dating refreshed. My second tip would be not to take it personally and so seriously. We think that since men are older, they would be different, but not always the case. Don’t worry about them calling you baby and sweetie that’s a little thing! Ignore it! In terms of the men not wanting relationships, that’s how men are. We dealt with the same thing when we were in our 20’s, 30’s 40’s and beyond. Keep at it and you will find the right one for you. I did! It only takes one, right?

    I experienced the same type of guys during my dating period. I followed my own advice, met someone and in two years we were married. We are coming up on our third anniversary this May. She can to!

    • Walker
      Posted at 11:13h, 10 March Reply

      The woman asking the question is considerably younger, I should have mentioned that. And she’s feeling that some of these guys just want sex. I have to agree with her that the initial emails called her baby or doll are a little off putting..and more so if they’re paired with what feels like a “wanna F–k” kinda note.
      But I agree with you and the other commenters that this dating process takes a while–at any age.
      Thanks so much for your input.

  • Kathy Radigan
    Posted at 15:11h, 10 March Reply

    I have not been in the dating game for a while now since I have been married for 21 years. Before online dating sites! But all the advice you gave sounds great. Dating is hard! I remember going on a string of really bad dates when I was single and in fact when someone tried to set me up with a guy she thought was perfect for me I said great, but I wanted his number. I was tired of men having all the power. I walked around with his phone number for three weeks. We will be celebrating our 21st anniversary at the end of this month. I think when we start saying what we don’t want, we clear the way for what we do.

  • Marie Franklin
    Posted at 20:24h, 10 March Reply

    There is a really great, older dating book called Mars and Venus on a Date, by John Gray. It was written before OLD was quite as prevalent, but it presents several excellent ideas that I haven’t found laid out as well in any other dating book. And the ideas would be useful for any dater, but mostly women read this book, of course.

    Anyway, the book really helps you figure out where you are headed in dating…and helps you understand how (hetero) men think and communicate differently. I think Gray does an excellent job of being fair to both genders, and he humanizes the dating process so we can feel better about the process. So with his ideas in mind, you can gloss past the creepers without letting it get you down as much.

  • Judy Freedman
    Posted at 15:56h, 11 March Reply

    I agree with many of the comments. Online dating is not easy – you have to go into the experience with a relaxed attitude. Take a close look at the profiles and definitely talk with the guys beforehand to get a sense of who the person is. I was lucky to have met a great person during my life after 50 after only a few toads.

  • Walker
    Posted at 15:59h, 11 March Reply

    Thank you all for such great advice. “J” will be over to check out your suggestions in a day or two. I am grateful for all of you as I know she will be too.

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