Answering Your Questions about Sex and Relationships

Answering Your Questions about Sex and Relationships

sexuality, orgasms, oral sexSo many people have questions about sex and relationships but they hold back from asking out of embarrassment, shame and often because they don’t know who to talk to. In the next couple of weeks I will begin a weekly Q&A feature. If you have a challenge you want me to address, contact me here, through Twitter or message me on Facebook

Last week  I was chatting with a guy about sex and he began sharing some details of his sex life. He’s crazy about his woman and wants to please her sexually. Yet he senses that her ‘generous’ offer to put his pleasure first might be an avoidance tactic. Want to see what I had to say about John’s issue?  The answer is in this week’s Sex Expert column. Here’s a teaser: 

Why Doesn’t She Let Me Give Her Pleasure?

I met John recently and he asked me for some advice about his sex life.  Here’s his story: When I have sex with my girlfriend she always insists that we take care of my needs first. I try to tell her that I want her to come first but she seems uncomfortable with that.  She protests, insisting that she’s fine. The thing is, that once I’ve had my orgasm I’m wiped out. I have no energy left to take care of her needs. Is she just being nice?

This story probably isn’t that uncommon. John clearly wants to take the time to satisfy his partner and he tries to focus on her. He used the phrase, “she comes first” which also happens to be the title of a book by Ian Kerner. She Comes First is an excellent guide on how to bring a woman to orgasm. I think it should be required reading for every man and woman. Kerner understands that the majority of women will not reach orgasm from intercourse alone. And, given that men are typically depleted of energy after ejaculation, he advocates for the “she comes first” approach.

What I would tell John is that his lover probably has challenges achieving an orgasm. It’s not uncommon for women to feel self-conscious because it can take so long for them to climax. The average woman may take 20 minutes or longer before she is able to orgasm. And, that may feel like a long time. She starts to worry that he will get tired or think negatively of her.  To read more….

So, if you have a question, drop me a note. I’d love to help. 

  • Still Blonde after all these YEARS
    Posted at 08:43h, 30 January Reply

    It’s a great deal of pressure isn’t it?

    • Walker
      Posted at 08:47h, 30 January Reply

      Yeah it is. It was amazing to have this conversation with this guy. He was telling me details that I found fascinating…totally comfortable talking about technique, etc… Men can’t just have that conversation with anyone.. another woman might have been shocked or offended! And, what a treasure for this woman (hope she knows that) to have this 50 yr. old guy who’s crazy about her and willing to take the time to make their lovemaking special.

  • Ms. Quote
    Posted at 09:45h, 30 January Reply

    I think you nailed most of the possibilities. I’d also like to add that perhaps she was conditioned by a previous lover that it was her “job” to focus on him. Perhaps she had previously been criticized for her “lack” of being responsive. She may feel guilty about experiencing that level of her enjoyment before John does.

    I wonder if this woman realizes what a wonderful man she has in John? I think your recommendation that he share his point of view, how his desire works both emotionally and physically, and the “She Comes First” book may be helpful if he can steer a conversation in that direction. A good way for him to broach this dilemma is to ask her, “What’s that little voice inside of your head telling you that it’s not okay to experience pleasure?”

    • Walker
      Posted at 09:58h, 30 January Reply

      You know, I didn’t even consider her prior relationships—thank you for pointing that out! You’re so right, many women assume that taking care of their partner is more important than expressing their own needs.
      I hope she knows too…he’s quite a catch! I didn’t ask questions about the relationship so can’t gauge the level of openness they have. Hopefully he’s found this information helpful. Thanks for your input.

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