An intimate conversation about casual sex–just you and me

An intimate conversation about casual sex–just you and me

casual sexOne of my older male readers wants to know how to find a woman for casual sex. I don’t know how to tell him where to find this woman but I do have some thoughts on the subject. In fact, I wrote an article in defense of casual sex for older adults for Boomeon and another one on a more personal level that was published at Kinkly.

I am in favor of casual sex (for adults). And I think it’s going to be more satisfying (my female perspective) with someone you know–rather than a stranger you meet in the bar, library or grocery store. While I’d say that women need to be more cautious than men, it’s a good idea for all of us to be careful in approaching someone for casual sex.

Let’s say you’ve met someone and find yourself attracted to this person, but don’t necessarily want to start a relationship. You just want sex. The first step would be to convey that to him or her, in a tasteful way. If some strange man walked up to me in a bar and told me he wanted to have sex, I’d be a little put-off, a little concerned, a little amused and possibly flattered. But I probably wouldn’t say yes…unless it was Pierce Brosnan. You can start with flirtation, as hopefully there is already some degree of sexual attraction, or you can be more direct. Tell this person what you’re thinking.

“Eek, I can’t see myself doing that.”

If you can’t imagine yourself having that conversation maybe the idea of casual sex isn’t for you?

Try something like this, “I think it could be fun to explore our sexual attraction. Are you interested? (pause for a response). If this idea appeals to you let’s talk about it.”

Having the Discussion About Casual Sex

  • Be clear that you’re only looking for casual sex. Make sure that both of you are in agreement. Talk about how you’ll handle things if one of you changes your mind.
  • Discuss what happens if one of you feels some stronger emotional or romantic attachment after the fact.
  • Are there any sexually related issues?  Are you non-orgasmic? Does it take you a long time (the case for most women) to reach orgasm and, if so, does that makes you self-conscious? Is erectile dysfunction a concern? Do you take ED meds?
  • Is pregnancy an issue?
  • Talk about where this will take place. It’s not a good idea to invite a relative stranger to your house, so consider a hotel room.
  • Apprehensions? Body image issues. Fear that you might change your mind. Performance concerns? You may not talk about these but you certainly need to think about them.


Additional Considerations Before Having Casual Sex?

I think the best way to approach having sex, in the absence of an emotional connection, is to start slowly. Mix talking with flirting. If you’re a female worried about taking too long to orgasm share that in a sexy way–talk about what turns you on and how you like to be touched. You can find a happy medium between speaking about your needs and being playful.

Speaking of needs–you have to be clear on what you do and don’t want and any expectations you might have. If you’re into kink, are you going to share that or leave it out of the experience? Do you want something specific from this person? Tell them. Your experience will be better when the two of you are fully informed.

You might have the first conversation on the phone and follow-up over drinks. This allows you to establish your interest and get over the first hurdle in a less threatening way. I would not recommend that my 70-year-old male reader just walk up to a woman and ask her if she wants casual sex.

But how do we know who might want to have sex with us? That’s the tricky bit. Do we just charge ahead looking for a partner or do we subtly tune in to those around us–sensing mutual attraction first, then exploring? I suspect what’s behind the reader’s question is that age-old dilemma of singles–where do we find compatible, desirable people?

Attraction often comes when we least expect it and in places we can’t anticipate. Friends might give out subtle messages we overlooked or the guy across the room looking your way might be interested in getting to know you. Think about what you want and then explore how to find like-minded individuals. Be patient and open to possibilities.

Have you thought about, or had, casual sex? What went right for you? What might have been better?


Image by Gleangenie, Morguefile

  • Carol Cassara (@ccassara)
    Posted at 11:13h, 06 April Reply

    This was such an interesting post. What struck me first was how matter of fact the approach is, sort of like a business transaction. In my single years I had my share of experiences but they never began with that kind of discussion and I wonder how it would have been received. Part of the whole experience for me has always been that frisson of anticipation and I’m just not certain that discussing all the details of how orgasmic we are promotes that. The discussion is logical, though. Some things have to be discussed, like STDs. This has given me something to think about today, thank you!

    • Walker
      Posted at 11:32h, 06 April Reply

      It is sort of like a transaction. I didn’t do that either in my earlier days and I didn’t always have great sex. There’s something very empowering, for a woman, to be able to talk about what she wants. I think sex is way too important to stroll in blindly without knowing a little about your partner and without being assured that your wants and wishes will be respected. There’s still plenty of anticipation; possibly heightened if she/he can talk about what turns them on in a sexy way. What starts out as ‘details’ can quickly become erotic.

      Suppose a women isn’t easily brought to orgasm. By talking about it she can share what turns her on and give the other person a chance to be prepared (‘fail’ to orgasm and some men get pretty freaked out) It’s a chance to see how attuned he is going to be. Is he going to have ideas of how to can extend her/their pleasure? Is the idea that a woman might have a longer arousal time an alien concept for him? There’s lots to be learned from how a potential partner handles the conversation. And, how two people can begin to connect and build mutual arousal.

      I recall dating a man and only finding out he had severe erectile dysfunction, after we had climbed into bed. I was caught off guard and it was damned awkward (being my first such experience). I felt as if the withholding of that info was more about him and less about “us”. A conversation would have eliminated that problem.

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