18 Jan Age is no excuse for feeling stuck!
If I count back from my first sexual experience, at age 17, it’s taken me almost 40 years to discover that a gentle nibble on the neck or inner thigh is arousing. How did I not know that? How is it that we get to a certain age to find that there are still fascinating discoveries to be made?
Age is no excuse for feeling stuck.
We don’t learn new things if we aren’t willing to experiment a little. Our sex lives become stagnant if we always do the same thing. Say, you’ve got a new lover–there is a temptation to say, ‘this is what always works for me’, emphasis on always. I think it is important to share the things that work for us, along with those things that don’t work. But rigidity is a bad idea. It’s what gets us stuck–regardless of the venue or relationship.
I was struck by the quote you see above (the wonders of Facebook). It led me to think about the process of aging and coming to terms with our sexuality. (word pronunciation)
I’m just old enough to remember my school and home environment, where we did what we were told. Exploring and questioning weren’t always welcome. Explore outside when playing, but don’t dare to question the authority figures. If we took that attitude into our marriages and other relationships, and into the bedroom we would stay stuck.
There are no legitimate reasons to stay stuck; particularly if one is miserable.
Reading, communicating, and being a little vulnerable are tools to enhance our lives. When it comes to intimacy we want to be able to trust our partner enough to let go sometimes. To allow that person to take the reins in giving us pleasure. I’m not advocating complete passivity unless you’re into that. What I’m suggesting is less rigidity, less fear and more ‘what the hell, let’s give it a try!”
Some of the people I’ve met, in presentations or through this website, who are divorced or widowed after long marriages often express a little trepidation about dating and having sex again. It can be a little intimidating to start over–and sometimes the fear results in an unwillingness to try something new. We want to do things the way we’ve always done them. And, that’s where the problem lies. Because that can be limiting.
I see many older women who are stuck. Some are happy with their ‘stuckness’—I confess to that one. When we grow used to our discomfort it can seem painful to let it go, even when we know we will be better, happier, less stressed, etc. It may be fine if you don’t realize what you’re missing or what a drag or inconvenience your stuckness is.
I’ve also met people who are creating new lives, searching for new pleasures. These women look alive–they’re having fun and being a little daring. The aura of fear isn’t driving them. The fear is still there–we all live with a little fear, that’s natural. They’ve learned to control it, not let the fear rule them.