Showing up in our lives, creating our own magic

NYC, the big city, energy, daring, solo travel, showing up in our lives

Showing up in our lives, creating our own magic

 

New York City, it still thrills and seduces me. Yesterday morning, safely home, as I wrote my way through thoughts and feelings I jotted down a few words that represent me in this moment.

Fierceness. passion. desire. brain. sexiness. fluidity. verbal skill. witchy charms.

All of it. I stand in the contradictions—the soft curves and the sharp edges. My temperaments. Mood. My charm, sex appeal, power. Aging.

Are you willing to make this kind of list, for public display? I haven’t always been able to do so. I sometimes struggle with the idea that it’s better, safer, less fearful to be small.

Nothing small about listing one’s assets.

I see them as assets—every one. Even the witchy one. A lover once told me I was a witch. I agreed. I have witchy powers. He mused that he understood “why we burned your type.” Lovingly….. I was being feisty and he was feeling thwarted. That’s how it goes. When we’re 16. When we’re 62.

New York. Just a little over 48 hours. Short and rainy, and action-packed. I scheduled a number of get-togethers in advance. I am reminded how much I enjoy interacting, engaging in conversation, sharing ideas and telling stories. It energizes me. So much so that I may start going to more regularly. The energy of the city and its people speaks to me. What I’m discovering is how my engagement with a wide variety of people gets my blood pumping and my heart expanding. The ideas pop up and I feel more alive.

I went to New York on a dare, of sorts. I answered a casting call for women, ages 40-75, who choose to age naturally, wrinkles and all. If chosen, I would be part of a skincare advertising campaign. It isn’t as much about the campaign for me as it is the opportunity to show up as an older women, unapologetically and happy to be where I am in life. I sent in my photo of a no-makeup face and did a quick video on my phone. And the head of the casting agency invited me to the first round of casting interviews. It was such a fun experience that I’m content with having gotten this far. I’ve never done anything like this, at all. And that was the big thing for me.

During the video segment of my interview I talked about my work and one of the staff asked how it impacted my life. My answer was enthused and animated—I could talk at length about women and sexuality and aging. There were smiles and laughs, and questions about sexuality. Being the savvy marketer I am (that’s a joke I’m lousy at promoting myself), I conveniently had a copy of Inviting Desire in my bag, which I shared along with business cards and a request for comments on the book. I was only at the agency for about 30 minutes but I left feeling excited and pleased with myself for having undertaken this.  It was a reminder of what feeds my passion—conversations, helping liberate women from the ageist messages we’re bombarded with on a daily basis, talking about sex.

I felt like a million bucks.

Because I forgot to play small. I showed up. I gave it my all without any concern for the outcome. No makeup, unruly “she’s been in the rain ” hair. Shrugging off the old messages about taking up less space or not being pretty or thin enough.

Four hours later I was on the train home with feet propped up on the footrest and knees spread—taking up all my available space.  Seven hours later, trekking across the parking lot in heavy rain I still felt energized.

And this morning, Wednesday, I’m feeling it now.

I let myself feel all the feelings. I allowed myself to acknowledge, privately and publicly that I took a gamble, showed up and did it well. I know I looked great on that video because I felt comfortable being myself.

Throughout my trip I had short pleasant conversations with strangers. With the guy unloading flowers and shrubbery at the wholesale florist shop down from my hotel, the friendly Amtrak conductor, the bartender at a bourbon bar, and the new grandma getting on a train for the first time. Life, men. Smiles and engagement. Playing big and happy and connecting with my fellow humans.

As you can see I’m still in that blissful, happy to be alive place.

I love when the pieces fall together and I feel in sync with what’s happening. When I can see what works and what I want more of—in work and play. A big part of this has been me noticing when I hide behind excuses and old stories and then seeing those exquisite moments when I step out into the light. Nothing particularly magic, just a willingness to take that first tentative step.

But, yes. Magic.

 

Photo by Veronica Florez on Unsplash

4 Comments
  • Kathy @ SMART Living 365.com
    Posted at 11:08h, 25 May Reply

    Hi Walker! How great to discover your “adventure” was as much fun as I imagined. If I lived anywhere close to NYC I would have been there in line with you. It just sounded like a fun thing to do. And like you said, it was the process that made it so interesting so if it goes nowhere beyond it really doesn’t matter. And if it does, yay! I also like your suggestion to come up with words that we believe define us. Sure they might describe how we think others see us–but more importantly we decide how we see ourselves. And having turned 62 yesterday–isn’t this just an amazing age to be living???? ~Kathy

    • Walker
      Posted at 12:30h, 25 May Reply

      Happy Belated Birthday, Kathy.
      It was an adventure–I had fun and the casting group were great!
      And, yes the process of making that list, for me, is to highlight our strengths –those things we might not normally choose to say aloud!

  • Cathy
    Posted at 16:04h, 25 May Reply

    Walker – so inspiring! I remember your post on FB about going to this casting call. Great reminder to be me, open, big, who I am in all places and situations. It’s easier to “play small” but not at all rewarding!

    • Walker
      Posted at 16:57h, 25 May Reply

      Yeah, there are next to no rewards for playing small!

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