It’s early, I haven’t had my coffee yet and my back is complaining from a night in a 6 year-old’s bed. My granddaughter graciously gave up her bed so I could sleep in her room. As I walk to the kitchen, she’s at the breakfast table writing something on a scrap of construction paper. Vjna. I don’t immediately know what’s she written.
“Is this how you spell vagina?”, she asks. I grab a crayon and another sheet of paper and write it out, speaking aloud as I write V-A-G-I-N-A. Mom is in the kitchen; I didn’t think to ask her before launching off in this instructional moment. NanaWawa to Granddaughter. ”Vagina”, I say, “That’s how you spell it.”
She proceeds to write the word neatly, two times. She’s giggling and proud of herself for mastering this new word. I’m pretty tickled. But I sense some discomfort radiating out of the kitchen. My granddaughter then begins saying Vagina, vagina, vagina…. she’s smiling and dancing around on her chair. Then she jumps down and begins to dance, clutching her crotch and giggling. She’s baiting us, daring us to stop her. We’ve gone from an enlightening moment to ‘Potty mouth’. She’s intent on making mom uncomfortable (and succeeding) and being silly. I try to ignore the sensational and in a neutral voice agree that she has a vagina.
What made her think of the word vagina? I wish I had asked. The moment passed quickly and deteriorated as mother-child struggled for control. My work done, I walked out of the room. I visualize the conversation to follow, between my daughter-in-law and my son.
I’m more open about sexuality than my adult sons and I know they view my willingness to discuss sex with discomfort. It’s more about seeing their mother as Woman than sexual prudery. We raised them with a pretty open attitude about sex. They knew I would answer any questions they dared to ask. As adults they no longer need or want to talk sex with their “old” mother. My daughter-in-law’s thoughts? I imagine I make her uncomfortable as well.
Do I look at this incident from the interfering grandparent angle or the wise old crone passing down wisdom? Mentoring, encouraging and nurturing the feminine spirit of these young girls? I believe my role, our role, is to provide knowledge and information in a way that moms and dads don’t. Or won’t. It’s not my intention to circumvent or disregard parenting. As a grandmother my role is to support my sons and shore up their parenting decisions.
But, as a woman.
I want to educate my granddaughters, in an age-appropriate way, about their own sexuality. I want to empower them to take control of their bodies. I like the saying used by the MS Society, “Knowledge is Power”. When young women understand their bodies and are comfortable with their sexuality they are better equipped to make good choices regarding sex. They won’t succumb to societal pressures or struggle with the popular beliefs about sex and body image. If we aren’t giving them all the information they need we hamper their abilities to take control of their relationships, sexual health and emotional wellbeing. So, if my granddaughter needs to do the Vagina Dance and learn to name her sexual organs, my job is to help her feel comfortable doing so.
How do you feel about your role in educating your grandchildren?
I don’t see that you crossed any boundary here. You didn’t, after all, bring the subject up to your granddaughter. However, while I agree that we all want our granddaughters and nieces to be comfortable with their bodies and, ultimately, their sexuality, I think it is their parents’ job to do the educating and empowering. I suggest you sit down with your dil and have a conversation about what happened. Better to aid her than alienate her.
Jane,
Thanks for your suggestion. My daughter-in-law and I have a great relationship and do indeed talk about her girls. She reads the blog and has a good idea of what I advocate for…even though we may not see everything the same way.
I am coming at this from a different angle: one of longing. I wish I’d had a mother who knew how to be comfortable with these discussions, and I wish I’d not had some things go awry in childhood that changed my views of sex so traumatically. I want to say to your daughter in law, “It could be so much worse than having a child who feels comfortable in her own skin, and with her own beautiful parts.”
I don’t think you did anything wrong at all, and if this is the worst thing your kids have to complain about, they’re damn lucky.
Jennifer, I don’t think I did anything wrong either. The challenges are when 2 people have different outlooks and positions on a range of things. My mother-in-law was very, very difficult and I have vowed to not be that woman!
I hope and plan to continue to provide a perspective on life that differs from my son and wife and give my granddaughters a role model of an older woman–one who is embracing life…and her vagina!!!
Thank you for sharing your sense of longing…easy to forget we don’t all have similar lives.
When my daughter was four, I walked into her room where she and her playmate were having a conversation on their plastic toy phones- or rather their “ginas” were talking to each other, phones held to the other’s private parts like an ear. It was an amusing, normal conversation and her friend’s mom and I had a good giggle (privately). What could possibly be wrong with girls exploring their body parts and talking about it? Or to it?
Oh Hilda, That’s a great story! I love it and would applaud that kind of creative play. Then leave the room and have a great giggle!
I am not a grandmother as yet – and with two kids in college – I hope that’s a few years off!
This is a terrific conversation, and one that’s very important for both our daughters and our sons.
I have mixed feelings on this one, because I’ve been the mother (of sons), the mother “willing to talk openly” with other women’s daughters (friends of my sons), and the daughter whose mother talked brazenly in front of my friends (when I was a teen), embarrassing me terribly, yet she didn’t really believe in what she was preaching.
In other words, there’s not only age-appropriate but situation-appropriate, role-appropriate, and differences with each child.
Personally, I don’t think you did anything wrong. I also would’ve loved having a mother who spoke easily and frankly and without the intention of getting attention which was my own mother’s agenda.
I also think that you handled this in an age-appropriate fashion, and your granddaughter responded like a 6-year old, going for a reaction.
As a grandchild, we often turn to our grandparents as role models, and I think that’s terrific. My relationships with my own grandmothers, one in particular, were very different from the relationship with my mother. She, in fact, became my model of what a woman could and should be like in many respects.
As a single (virtually solo) mother of sons, it was one thing speaking of sexuality when they were younger (and both open and not terribly interested) versus at age 12 or 13 or 14, and different still by the time they were (no doubt) sexually active. It’s more challenging than I would have thought (and I’m saying as much) to be addressing issues that we haven’t actually lived, ie I can’t possibly know what it is to be a 13-year old boy!
For that, I’m thankful I had one or two thoughtful male friends whom I could at least consult, but I wish my boys had been able to hear from and speak openly with a grandfather or uncle (for example). I think it would have been a very good thing.
They’re older now (college), and yet we still dance around a few subjects. To a large extent, it’s about respecting privacy. But they also know that this home is their home, and they’re entitled to use it as such in a manner that is open but respectful.
I agree with you about situation-appropriate. It’s important to always remember that we are not the parents.
Since my ex wouldn’t do so, I was left to have conversations with my sons. And, they cobbled together other advice here, there and yonder. The door was always open and they knew they could come to me for advice. And, they did…but rarely about sexual matters.
As for the older role model/mentor– I think that’s the gift we older women can give to the younger. I adored my grandmother and her daughter, my aunt. They provided me with a love of reading and many other things. I strive to be that person for my nieces and my granddaughters.
I received a lot of mixed signals regarding this from my parents, which made figuring all this out even more confusing. As a parent I think it’s a good idea not to over-share or be cynical, because it’s amazing the things a kid never forgets.
Oh you’re so right about kids not forgetting. I wanted to take control, as much as possible, of what my kids learned and make sure they got legitimate, useful info.
Love this discussion. The Vagina and the penis are more than just sex toys. We owe it to our children to teach them to care for all their body parts. However, at this time in our society these parts are politically charged ( Witness Michigan’s Representative Lisa Brown who was silenced for using the word vagina during an abortion debate. ) Thus, we owe it to the parents to inform them of our discussions with their children. Hopefully, this will not silence us, but lead to frank conversations.
It’s a shame that our society imposes a stigma against honest, clean sexual talk while giving a nod to rampant sexualization in the media, violence against women and a continued double standard!
If only every woman could be as comfortable as you are talking about vaginas! We’d all be a lot less repressed. Great post.
Helene,
Ha! I find that the more I have the conversation the more matter of fact it and I become. My comfort allows people to feel slightly less awkward about it…most of the time.
You’ve followed a long time-honored tradition where grandparents get to teach their grandchildren things parents really can’t. Parents must be concerned with things that grandparents don’t need to worry about, and this creates a freedom that we didn’t have when we were parents ourselves.
As a parent it is my job to teach social propriety and ensure that my child isn’t free enough to do her vagina dance just anywhere. As the mom, I’m the one who is going to have to deal with the school officials or the disapproving friends’ mothers who might not be altogether thrilled that my little girl taught them the vagina dance.
But you are right that little girls do need to learn that their vaginas are wonderful and terrific and nothing to be ashamed about. So you counterbalance the social restraints that parents are obligated to impart with the joy and freedom to explore and enjoy their sexuality that we all want our children to experience.
You’re right about the vagina dance. I recall a long conversation w/ oldest son about learning when it was OK to cuss….and not, after he got fussed at for cussing in school.
Love the comment about balancing social restraints w/ healthy sexuality!
Love the way you handled this! I am not a grandmother yet, but I plan on teaching my granddaughter the Vagina Dance!
Thanks Ellen. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if this next generation could approach their bodies, female and male, with respect and appreciation!
As I think about my own grandmothers, I realize just how different our generational experiences are becoming. My Sicilian grandmother could barely speak English, let alone teach me the word “vagina.” There was so much mystery surrounding the topic of sexuality in my home growing up. This post deserves a wide readership. So do the thoughtful comments preceding mine.
Marci,
I have no doubt that most of us growing up in the 50s and 60s were given very little instruction in sexuality. That has led to many women our age still finding themselves hampered by issues which are intensified by menopause and other aging issues. But, I do think we can change the conversation for ourselves and our children. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.
Bring the mother of two boys, I expect to someday have two daughters-in-law, and I hope my relationship with both of them will be such that we can be open and honest about how to deal with the sexual education of their children. Of course I will defer to them, initially, but I hope they will see nothing wrong with Grandma imparting her wisdom as well. Great article, Walker. This is something I’d never thought of since I never knew any of my grandparents.
No one in my family; parent or grandparent would have been willing to have these conversations. You bring up a good point. I talk about sex with my kids and daughter-in-law but I’ve never had a conversation with them about how I see my role as the grandmother. Might be a good thing to do. Thanks.