Walker Thornton - Page 2 of 40 -

Aging-A Positive, Affirming Outlook

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Walker

Another article from another know-it-all who wants us to buy into their (negative) concept of aging. The story that starts out with, ‘you can’t do this’, ‘you have to….’ ’Women over 60 have…..’

Everywhere I look, particularly as it applies to aging, I see people, bloggers, writers, newscasters telling us what we will be experiencing. As if it were fact. And, it’s rarely upbeat, positive or age-affirming.

Do Not Believe Everything You Read, or See or Hear

Don’t tell me I won’t enjoy sex once I turn 60. Sorry for you but don’t lay your lagging libido on the rest of us.

Don’t tell me that menopause will cause my vagina to dry up and sex will be painful. It didn’t, it hasn’t.

Older women need smaller/thinner sex toys because their vaginal openings are smaller. Really? I’ll refrain from saying more on this one.

Men don’t want to date women with gray hair. Are you justifying dying your hair?

Women with gray hair have a disadvantage in the work place. Sadly, that one’s probably true.

Menopause is awful, painful, emotionally challenging and requires medication. You’ll have mood swings, hot flashes, lose your libido, etc… Some of us yes, not all of us.

Eat these foods to reverse aging. Right. Yet another so-called expert pretending to have the cure–again.

Aging sucks. Is that the best you can do? Give me an example.

60 is the new 40. What the F*#@ is that supposed to mean?

Are these scare tactics? Examples of insular thinking? Or a warped way for someone to turn their own bitter experiences into a money-making proposition?

Sure, each of these statements holds some truth for some women. But in each case the comment was made as a blanket statement, applying to all of us. Some of these comments came from everyday people, a few came from ‘experts’.

The result? Women talk about dreading menopause and its side effects without even waiting to see what actually happens to them. Women begin to anticipate all the negativity around aging with a sense of resignation, when in reality many of us are enjoying our advanced years with few problems.

This kind of talk makes aging look more like a disease than a natural state–to be treated with cosmetic surgery, expensive anti-aging regimes, denial and medications. It scares women. It puts us in a place of ‘frailty’. We handicap ourselves if we sit around waiting to be hit with the Aging Stick.

For every bad story you see or hear, there are at least three to six good ones that completely contradict the bad stuff. I made that up.

Stop saying all that crap!

And you–stop listening and reacting to this kind of garbage. Unless you really want to be miserable as you age. Then go right ahead.

To all you naysayers: Unless you’ve got definitive data to back up your words you’re doing everyone a disservice by spreading these scare tactics, ageist opinions and other BS.

As purveyors of material on the internet, the news, media, etc… we do not have to believe or buy-in to everything we hear. We have the ability to think for ourselves, seek out multiple sources and refuse to be scared or threatened by this kind of false advertising, short-sighted thinking.

As bloggers, public speakers, reporters and writers let’s be more mindful of the message we send. Use a few “I” statements to personalize your rhetoric so the reader understands that you’re talking about your personal experience.

For example, if you feel compelled to say that women experience a lessening of sexual desire after menopause–give a reason. State some statistics. Or admit that it’s been your own experience and that of the 3 women you surveyed at Starbucks. The rest of us may be doing just fine, thank you very much.

Yep, this is a personal rant. I’m tired of seeing other older women spouting off this crap about aging. I’m fed up with being warned about the negative things to expect in the upcoming years.

We need more positive voices embracing this wonderful period of change we’re experiencing as older women. Let’s embrace open conversation and affirmation. We need more role models who are exploring and expanding their lives–and inviting us to join them. This is a wonderful period in our lives, let’s spend more time enjoying life.

Repeat after me, “I can have all the fun I want in this life, the choice is mine.”

Aging Gracefully? Bring It On!

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Walker

aging, gray hair

Aging is a topic that’s often on my mind. At age 58, single and sporting gray hair I have taken a bolder approach to dealing with age. There’s really no hiding it, is there? And, why should I?

I’m not embarrassed about my age and I don’t think I look bad (the photo was taken a year ago this month–I was 57). I find older women attractive and the more in touch they are with their age and their looks the more appealing they are. Give me a wrinkled Judi Dench over a unnaturally ‘youthful’ older woman any day.

What does it mean to age gracefully? Each of us has a different answer. Some of us embrace the aging process, some of us feel compelled to hide the telltale signs of aging. We dye our hair and turn to plastic surgery to lift, plump and otherwise erase the signs of aging.

Aging is hard. No doubt about it.

We fall prey to public opinion, America’s love affair with all things youthful, and the idea that aging is a “condition”. And, in the process we forget to embrace our age—to delight in the memories, the strengths, the wonderful parts of our lives that come through living a rich life.

We buy expensive anti-aging beauty products, invest in hair dye and contemplate going under the knife. We’ve been told horror stories about menopause and we worry about what will happen to us. We buy into the myths about aging:

Older women won’t find a job with gray hair.

Men don’t want to date women with gray hair.

Older women have sexual difficulties.

Menopause is difficult. You’re going to have issues.

Eat these foods and you’ll reverse aging.

Buy these facial products to make wrinkles disappear.

I hear comments like these all the time. They’re designed to make us feel bad about ourselves—they reinforce the cultural notion that old(er) people, particularly women, have less value. There’s a huge industry that thrives on women’s insecurities about their age, their faces, their bodies. We’re being manipulated.

We get sidetracked worrying about menopause and the loss of our sex drive. We examine our faces daily for signs of aging (Guilty! I’m watching my neck skin ‘relax’) and read numerous articles on how to reverse the signs. We worry about our age to the degree that it gets in the way of living a joyful life.

Yes, we live in a society that worships youth. Yes, gray hair gives away our age. Yes, in some corporate climates women are judged based on age and appearance—dying one’s hair may you get a job. Yes, some older men want younger women and will automatically walk away from a woman with gray hair.

But it’s not that way for everyone.

I made a decision a couple of years ago to embrace my age and my life—single, leaving a good job and often struggling to meet the demands of caring for an ex-husband while making a living as a freelance writer.

Is my long gray hair a deterrent in dating? Who knows? I’ve had a couple of men tell me how sexy I look with long hair. The gray is pretty visible. And, I’ve seen a lot of men who didn’t give me a second glance. But, I’m not willing to recreate myself in a false image to find a man.

Did my age harm me in my recent job search? Probably. Competing in the world of social media and marketing at my age is tough.

I am comfortable talking about being 58 years old. It’s not embarrassing nor is it a tragedy (though my mother thinks it’s awful that I’m single). I’m not sliding downhill or about to move into assisted living. I’m not all dried up nor am I ________ (fill in the blank). I’ve been having the best sex of my whole life these last couple of years.

Fifty eight years old seems just fine.

I’m writing today as part of a group of women tackling the topic of Aging Gracefully. My thoughts may not reflect the majority opinion. Many women aren’t ready to accept gray hair or admit to their age. It’s an individual matter. I would say to women that much of what they hear, even from peers, is overly dramatic, simplified or distorted. We aren’t all alike and we don’t all have the same problems or challenges around aging.

A while back, my oldest granddaughter (now 7) was sitting in my lap, closely examining my face. And, she said to me, “Nana Wawa, you’re the oldest person I’ve ever met.” I’m OK with that. I want my granddaughters to see my aging process as a natural thing–not something to hide or deny. I want them to see me embrace my age. I want to be a strong role model. A woman who can manage her own life, speak her own truths and not bow to societal pressure to recreate herself as something she’s not. I want them to accept themselves at every step in the aging process with joy and celebration.

I write often about aging because I think we need to change the conversation. It starts with us–we can change attitudes and show the world that being an older woman is a wonderful thing. Here are a few of my posts on the subject of aging:

Anti Aging? What Am I Supposed to Do?

Becoming a Sexy Woman

Finding Our Role Models

Will Gray Hair Harm Your Chances of Getting a Date?

Want to see what others are saying about Aging Gracefully?

You See My Nipples? I See Your Package-Gee, It Looks Kinda Small

Posted on March 10, 2013 by Walker

Why are we still talking about women’s breasts and nipples? Does it really matter that Anne Hathaway’s nipples were showing? Shouldn’t the real conversation be about her skills as an actor? Shouldn’t we be talking about women in regards to their competency? Their mastery of their subject matter, their talents?

When the topic of ‘the nipples’ appeared on my Facebook page, one women commented that no one could take away a woman’s power–we were talking about the societal tendency to reduce women to sexual objects. I absolutely disagree with her. And, I agree in some regards. What happens when we talk about Hilary Clinton’s hair style, Angela Merkel’s cleavage or someone’s nipples? We may not be stripping them of their power, but the message is loud and clear–these women are just objects. We aren’t going to have a serious discussion about them as people–we’re going to analyze them in the most superficial of ways.

Who gives a Flying Fuck what Ms. Clinton’s hair looks like? She’s one of the most powerful people on the planet. Granted we do talk about Donald Trump’s hair, but in general the media rarely comment on a powerful man’s appearance. Because in our culture it doesn’t seem to matter how men look in relationship to their perceived authority or success. But women? Geez…

Let’s start talking about men’s bulges. Shall we? Can we talk about whether’s Boehner’s bad days are related to the size of his penis? Is it too small and therefore he’s unwilling to give up perceived power? Let’s start rating newscaster credibility in light of what color of tie they wear. I love Brain Williams–but, oh man… he’s wearing a purple tie?!

sexism, objectification

And, what about this guy? The one in the middle, in case you can’t tell. Hubba Hubba! (by the way he’s an award-winning Olympian.) Poor thing–he did get press coverage but it was all about whether he was sporting an (admirable) erection or not. You had to feel sorry for him having to defend his package instead of his Olympic performance.

So, yes it does go both ways–but not often enough.

Silly isn’t it. And frustrating. Double standards still surround us when it comes to talking about powerful, famous women. We diminish women, negate their accomplishments and perpetuate gender inequality when we engage in this kind of derogatory commentary about women.

And, much of the time it’s women who’re doing the criticizing.

Women are making huge strides in breaking into traditional male domains. We have a record number of women in Congress–there are 20 women in the 2013 Senate. But, we still get tripped up when some one shifts the conversation to her clothes, breasts, suspected weight gain, etc….

I propose that the next time you hear someone make a comment about a woman’s breasts you say, “Wow, did you see the bulge on Paul Ryan last week at _______. Amazing, I wonder what size shoes he wears.”

How To Enjoy Your Life, Your Job, Your Relationships

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Walker

How many times have you done something because it brought you joy? Do you go through your day working out of joy and enthusiasm or driven by obligation?

In the Ze Frank video I posted recently, he ends with a laughing, “God let me enjoy this…”. I am reminded of all the times I’ve done something for so many reasons that had no bearing to “I will enjoy this”.

Women our age feel obligations. Don’t we? We are the ought, should, have to generation.

We were raised to feel that our duty, our job, our role is to _______________. Fill in the blanks. It’s a long list, at least in my case.

How do we get to the place of doing what brings us pleasure or satisfaction?

One of the worst travesties of my married life was the thought that I had NO options. I felt tied to that marriage, those sacred vows, that man, that life.

The second worst travesty was having sex because I felt that I had to. He was less moody when he got laid, so I often gave in–taking myself mentally to a far-away world. The sad part is that he never noticed.

It created an atmosphere that reinforced the notion that I had to follow the rules. I had to do what was expected–without expecting to find enjoyment in what I was doing.

We can create an enjoyable life for ourselves

We can’t and shouldn’t feel expected to create a joyful life for everyone else. And I think that’s where we get caught up. In gross generalizations, women are the peacemakers, we want everyone to be happy. We try to fix the hurt when our children are little and we sacrifice our own happiness and goals in order to sustain a marriage or a relationship. We say Yes, when we want to say No. And, we don’t say Yes to the things that fulfill us or bring us satisfaction as a person.

I believe it’s way past time for me and many of you to embrace the fact that we can make choices. We can create our own happiness.

In fact, it’s time.

Now.

We’re not getting any younger! I’m not saying we fail to pay the bills or abandon responsibility. But there is a way to create an environment that nourishes us and brings us pleasure.

How Do We Create Joy in Our Lives?

Create a clear vision of what we want.

Surround ourselves with people who “get” us…who understand, support, step aside, acknowledge and love us. And let go of the Naysayers.

Practice clarity and honesty in conversations. Be willing to trust and share. You know what you want–speak that truth.

We let go. Of the bad stuff, of past frustrations, disappointments, expectations of ‘how it was supposed to be’.

We practice compassion for ourselves and those people around us.

We bring play, laughter and lightheartedness into our lives.

We indulge our sensual side. We connect with our senses, our body, our desires.

Is it going to be easy? No. We have habits, deeply ingrained, that serve to keep us stuck in our daily lives. Even when we’re in pain, its familiarity feels safer than the unknown.

create a vision, goal setting, accomplishments

When the pain becomes too great and seeps over into other aspects of your life, it’s absolutely time to make that change.

You can create change and move toward enjoyment with a series of baby steps if that’s easier for you. Or you can make the big leap.

Today I’m asking you to figure out what doesn’t work for you and plot out at least one change you can make.

Write it down if that helps. Paste it on the bathroom mirror, put it in your calendar. Find a way to put your vision front and center–to remind yourself of what you want for your life.

We can’t move towards a goal or a vision if we don’t know what it is we want. Like the first step on that Yellow Brick Road–sometimes we need a little direction. If we want to bring more enjoyment into our lives we are going to have go and get it ourselves. No one is going to bring it to us.

What one thing isn’t bringing joy to your life right now? What will you do to change that? And, when are you going to do it?