Please don’t send “d–k pics”, really

dick pics, sexting, penises, online dating, masculinity

Please don’t send “d–k pics”, really

Why, oh why, do so many men think women want to see their dick pics?

I’ve been thinking about penetration and penises all morning…hazy memories of those ‘just right’ moments when two people come together, barely awake, and join bodies.

And dick pictures.

And pondering the idea of  penetration as most men’s preferred method of sexual satisfaction. I’ve met a couple of men recently who seem to only want penetrative sex. And that’s not what many women want. Ask us if you want, but know that we’re not always truthful because we don’t want to hurt your feelings. So we pretend. We lie. We even fake orgasms because we were raised to believe that satisfying our man was more important than our own satisfaction. Sigh!

“There is an art to taking one (dick pic), if you want it to work you have to take a picture of you holding your dick and it has to look too heavy for your hand to hold it.” Male, 27   (Source)

I read an article (and can’t remember where) about college girls and hookups. Most of them admitted that the sex was rarely orgasmic for them—and seemed to indicate that sex was mainly about pleasing the guy. How sad is it that today we’re still seeing girls who don’t understand their own right to sexual pleasure? And guys who don’t feel it’s important to take a partner’s sexual satisfaction into consideration.

Or do most men just assume that all we really need is their hard dick? (Sorry, I’m using the word “dick” more in this one article than I use it in a week)

Do men know that not all of us are turned on by dick pictures? Or that we don’t all crave it? Several weeks ago I was engaged in conversation with a man, supposedly in an open relationship. Expressing my reservations upfront, I did have several email exchanges before having a sudden change of heart. Here’s what did it for me:

“I don’t have many pics, except for some naughty ones, which I only send if I’m asked to. Most guys do not understand that cock pics are not the best way to impress a woman (or at least most women) So, I’ve attached a pic I took at my desk of my new sweat pants. It just happened to be as I was thinking about something arousing  :)”

And there was the picture—some headless guy sitting around in his office in grey sweats taking pictures of himself with a hard-on. In the email he talked about how many repressed women he met online who were eager to have sex—and what fun he was having. That was the deal-breaker for me…. this cocky (ha ha) assumption that I would be eager, having seen the size of his tool, while forgetting that erection in sweatpants pictures are first cousin to dick pics.

Here’s the thing. We’re just not as into your dick as much as you are, or as much as you think we ought to be. Most men have this love affair with their penis and bestow it with magical powers—to reject the dick picture is to reject everything he stands for. (And yes, I’m speculating…sorta)

Sure, heterosexual women enjoy penises. But many of us find greater satisfaction in other aspects of sex. Remember, most women don’t orgasm through intercourse alone, so you’ve gotta have more tricks up your sleeve.

When you send a picture of your organ to a woman, the message she gets is that you think a lot of your penis. And that you think she’ll be wowed by it, and assume that if it’s large, erect, whatever….that you’re a good lover.

Couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I believe the man who is totally focused on his penis, is less likely to be focused on a woman’s needs. And yes I know that’s not always the case. It is possible to be both at the same time—all about the penis and still interested in pleasing a woman, but leading with the dick isn’t the best practice for enticing a woman into a sexual relationship. And, it’s not the best way to start a conversation in online dating.

Least you think that the dick pic is the realm of the young and foolish—oh no. I’m referring to men in their 50’s and 60’s. I’m not trying to be critical, really. Nor do I consider myself anti-male—but there comes a point when the arrival of one too many dicks pictures sends you over the edge and you have to make a statement.

Let me end with my thoughts on good sex. Good sex involves the whole body, attention to erotic zones, communication about likes and wants, and much more. Good sex requires you to shift the focus and priorities to your partner’s desires because you care as much about them as you do about your own satisfaction. It means that you understand women typically take longer to become aroused and longer to climax and you want to make sure their needs are met.

Conclusion: save the dick pics for later; maybe we’ll ask for them.

OK, let me have it. Your thoughts…no pictures please!

24 Comments
  • Pour
    Posted at 11:14h, 11 December Reply

    Sending that kind of picture unsolicited also seems to imply that the sender has nothing else in life they’re proud of or thinks would impress you. Which is… sad.

    (Full disclosure: I’ve sent such pictures, but only on request. Unrequested seems impossibly skeevy.)

    • Walker
      Posted at 11:23h, 11 December Reply

      Yeah, when it’s requested or desired then sending those kinds of pictures is just fine. But sending them as a token of…? Or as a ‘come on’ isn’t a well-thought out idea.

      • Pour
        Posted at 15:24h, 11 December Reply

        I think it’s beyond a poor idea. I think it’s indicative of low self-esteem. If the only thing you have in your life that you think is attractive is what’s between your legs, it’s a good time to look at your situation.

        On the other hand, if you’re trying to attract the kind of woman who thinks a dick pic is exciting, the return on that investment is going to be impossibly small and infrequent. But I can’t see sending such pictures as being the product of a thought-through process.

  • Carol Cassara (@ccassara)
    Posted at 16:37h, 11 December Reply

    I love this and am sharing.

    • Walker
      Posted at 09:16h, 12 December Reply

      Thanks Carol!

  • Carol Cassara (@ccassara)
    Posted at 16:40h, 11 December Reply

    One more thing: I think this only applies to heterosexuals, because young gay men LOVE sending dick pics and that IS one way they evaluate lovers. Because that’s primarily what it’s about for them to start with: dick. Even when they want a relationship, they start with dick. Ah, youth! But I think that tells us something about all men. Which of course we already knew.

    • Walker
      Posted at 09:18h, 12 December Reply

      Agreed… I have never asked my gay friends if they send dick pics. I think overall it’s about self-control and maturity and ultimately what one is seeking in connecting with a woman. If I were out there with a clear call for sex then recieving naked pictures wouldn’t be so unexpected.

  • Michelle
    Posted at 09:16h, 12 December Reply

    This is awesome! For the life of me, I do not understand why so many men think this is a good idea.

    • Walker
      Posted at 10:56h, 12 December Reply

      Me neither! And, thanks. It was fun to write and interesting to analyze the kinds of men I’ve encountered lately-that post is still pending!

  • Diane
    Posted at 11:04h, 12 December Reply

    BIG turn off. So to speak.
    Let me know you have a brain first, guys!

    • Walker
      Posted at 11:20h, 12 December Reply

      Diane, thanks for reading and commenting. I agree about the brain first…but then it might be said that for some men that is where their brain resides!!!

  • Richard
    Posted at 11:36h, 12 December Reply

    Don’t overthink it. Just one more example of how different men and women are sexually. Its just that many men don’t realize how different women are mentally and physically when it comes to sexual arousal. Men can be aroused by just thinking of a picture of a female, while this is an entire website describing all the other behavioral aspects required for female sexual arousal.

    • Walker
      Posted at 12:00h, 12 December Reply

      I don’t think this is about arousal at all. But I get your point. Thanks for reading and offering your thoughts.

      • Richard
        Posted at 13:18h, 12 December Reply

        Of course, sending an unsolicted dick pic to a woman is a poor way to begin dating. Look at the responses from your readers. They cannot comprehend why men do it. I do not think it is a smart idea either and I am not defending it, nor have I ever sent a dick pic or received a pussy pic.

        However, women won’t understand simple things like men sending dick pics until they understand how much more easily men are sexually aroused than women and therefore, how much more often men are in a state of sexual arousal. Its really that simple. You can joke about men thinking with their penises instead of their brain. We’re not as sensitive as women are to politically incorrect statements, either. But, ask yourself this question: When you are in a state of arousal, isn’t your judgement different?

        • Walker
          Posted at 15:27h, 12 December Reply

          You make a good point. And I agree, the genders don’t really understand how the other gets aroused and what that process looks like.
          And, maybe it was a sad old joke about the brain!
          You ask about my arousal pattern? It’s usually in direct response to a specific person. Is my judgment different? I don’t really think so? But I’ll think about that.

          • Richard
            Posted at 12:03h, 13 December

            Thank you for the discussion.

            From the time men are teens, they find themselves sexually aroused with unexpected erections at just the sight of female bodies.

            Men are physically different and think differently than women. Men are so much more easily aroused and spend a far greater fraction of their life in a state of sexual arousal than women. Most young men masturbate daily. It’s not better or worse than a woman’s situation, but it is different.

            Imagine if this were a Male Sexuality forum and the topic was women sending a man sexually explicit pictures. The responses would be totally different from you female reader responses of: “big turn-off, nothing else to be proud of, low self esteem, sad, let me know you have a brain”.

            Its really not about any of that or the fascination with penetration you discuss. Many men and women still believe that men and women are the same and we think the same and are sexually aroused the same way. That’s the mistake. Men wrongly think women will react to sexual pictures the way they do, and its just not true. Women are sexually aroused much differently to the extent that they often must “invite desire”. There are no invitations required for most men, only confirmations.

  • Roxanne Jones
    Posted at 11:49h, 12 December Reply

    You hit the nail on the, um, head with this one, Walker! I just don’t get it (and thankfully, don’t receive any dick pics, either!).

    • Walker
      Posted at 12:14h, 12 December Reply

      Tee hee… Thanks Roxanne. Glad you’re not having to get these…..

  • Brett
    Posted at 16:30h, 13 December Reply

    Sex isn’t about pleasing anyone! It’s about the deep down, instinctive programming of evolution to assure that any species in the planet have propagated said species. If it was not pleasurable to have sex, all life would go extinct. Men and women are programmed…..have sex, or go extinct! Being a man, it’s important that our silly minds think of sex as often as possible…..our survival depends on it. Sending a d-,k pic may just help get someone laid. Haha

    • Walker
      Posted at 16:36h, 13 December Reply

      I get your point. And I disagree–who wants to have sex that’s not pleasurable? Or with a partner that doesn’t understand the importance of pleasing you?

  • Editor (Retired)
    Posted at 14:03h, 15 December Reply

    I completely get that sending such a picture is a bad idea, for a number of reasons. But I am puzzled about how one-sided women seem to be in evaluatIng exhibitionist behavior, especially in North America.

    Isn’t it fairly common for women to take selfies of their naked breasts? And prominently post said photos on the web for all to see? Men use such photos to try to communicate with a specific individual, but many women attempt to broadcast their photos to the whole world! (I acknowledge that a photo of a man’s penis is not completely equivalent to a photo of a woman’s breast. But the concept of sharing something usually considered private is very similar. And of course, many women also post public photos showing total or near total nakedness.)

    It is also not unusual for a woman to walk around all day in public wearing a shirt that flaunts her cleavage. That’s a little bit more subtle than a naked photo, but it still has the intent to display. Why is it appropriate for a woman to wear a skimpy bikini on the beach, but not socially acceptable for a man to wear a speedo? This question about the beach, of course, makes it clear that men’s and women’s responses to such behavior are somewhat determined by societal mores. The man in the speedo would not be unusual at all on European beaches. In fact Europeans are not much shocked by swimsuit-optional beaches.

    • Walker
      Posted at 14:50h, 15 December Reply

      Cleavage versus a photo of a man’s erect penis close up? I hardly consider those the same. I know women proudly show off their cleavage and there are women who go around almost naked. But what I’m talking about is different. It’s opening an email or a text to find a man’s hard dick staring you in the face–when unrequested. It’s one thing to ask for it. And maybe there are men who feel similarly unpleased to get a naked crotch shot from a strange woman?
      We are wired differently I suspect and we have varying points of views. I find them offensive; there are women who love getting dick pics I imagine.

      We have become somewhat desensitized to a woman’s body–now that they are used to sell everything from cars and yachts to beer, fast food and the like. Thank heavens no one is selling women products with erect penises. Women are showing anatomy, often to attract the male gaze, having been taught that it’s what men want. I’m guilty of liking to wear something seductive now and then but I don’t feel that this is related to the sharing of unsolicited naked photos.

      • Editor (Retired)
        Posted at 23:04h, 15 December Reply

        I agree, Walker. I acknowledged earlier that a photo of a breast and one of a penis are not equivalent. But exhibitionism, and the desire to display oneself to others, are quite similar. I think you could argue that sharing such a photo privately, with one other person, might be a lesser offense than broadcasting flesh photos for all to see on the internet, or on the street. I personally don’t think most display of cleavage or most bikinis is offensive in general, although such public displays may be upsetting to some people who might reasonably expect NOT to be exposed to so much flesh in a public place. What I really don’t get is the apparent double standard. Do you think the bikini and the speedo are at least nearly equivalent?

        • Walker
          Posted at 07:39h, 16 December Reply

          I’m not sure what you mean by double standard? As in a world driven by the male gaze, we see women’s bodies but not men’s? Because that’s mostly how it goes. Are the bikini and speedo nearly equivalent? Yes–as in they are both bathing suits.

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