How many times have you done something because it brought you joy? Do you go through your day working out of joy and enthusiasm or driven by obligation?

In the Ze Frank video I posted recently, he ends with a laughing, “God let me enjoy this…”.  I am reminded of all the times I’ve done something for so many reasons that had no bearing to “I will enjoy this”.

Women our age feel obligations. Don’t we? We are the ought, should, have to generation.

We were raised to feel that our duty, our job, our role is to _______________. Fill in the blanks. It’s a long list, at least in my case.

How do we get to the place of doing what brings us pleasure or satisfaction?

One of the worst travesties of my married life was the thought that I had NO options. I felt tied to that marriage, those sacred vows, that man, that life.

The second worst travesty was having sex because I felt that I had to. He was less moody when he got laid, so I often gave in–taking myself mentally to a far-away world. The sad part is that he never noticed.

It created an atmosphere that reinforced the notion that I had to follow the rules. I had to do what was expected–without expecting to find enjoyment in what I was doing.

We can create an enjoyable life for ourselves

We can’t and shouldn’t feel expected to create a joyful life for everyone else. And I think that’s where we get caught up. In gross generalizations, women are the peacemakers, we want everyone to be happy. We try to fix the hurt when our children are little and we sacrifice our own happiness and goals in order to sustain a marriage or a relationship. We say Yes, when we want to say No. And, we don’t say Yes to the things that fulfill us or bring us satisfaction as a person.

I believe it’s way past time for me and many of you to embrace the fact that we can make choices. We can create our own happiness.

In fact, it’s time.

Now.

We’re not getting any younger!  I’m not saying we fail to pay the bills or abandon responsibility. But there is a way to create an environment that nourishes us and brings us pleasure.

How Do We Create Joy in Our Lives?

• Create a clear vision of what we want.

• Surround ourselves with people who “get” us…who understand, support, step aside, acknowledge and love us. And let go of the Naysayers.

• Practice clarity and honesty in conversations. Be willing to trust and share. You know what you want–speak that truth.

• We let go. Of the bad stuff, of past frustrations, disappointments, expectations of ‘how it was supposed to be’.

• We practice compassion for ourselves and those people around us.

• We bring play, laughter and lightheartedness into our lives.

• We indulge our sensual side. We connect with our senses, our body, our desires.

Is it going to be easy? No. We have habits, deeply ingrained, that serve to keep us stuck in our daily lives. Even when we’re in pain, its familiarity feels safer than the unknown.

When the pain becomes too great and seeps over into other aspects of your life, it’s absolutely time to make that change.

You can create change and move toward enjoyment with a series of baby steps if that’s easier for you. Or you can make the big leap.

Today I’m asking you to figure out what doesn’t work for you and plot out at least one change you can make.

Write it down if that helps. Paste it on the bathroom mirror, put it in your calendar. Find a way to put your vision front and center–to remind yourself of what you want for your life.

We can’t move towards a goal or a vision if we don’t know what it is we want. Like the first step on that  Yellow Brick Road–sometimes we need a little direction. If we want to bring more enjoyment into our lives we are going to have go and get it ourselves. No one is going to bring it to us.

What one thing isn’t bringing joy to your life right now? What will you do to change that? And, when are you going to do it?

The post How To Enjoy Your Life, Your Job, Your Relationships appeared first on Walker Thornton.

It’s funny. We can ask the produce manager to bring out better looking blueberries but we can’t ask our boss for a well deserved raise.

Why are we afraid to ask for what we want?

I don’t know about you but I wasn’t encouraged to ask questions as a child. As the most talkative child in my class I often got into trouble at school. I recall being sent out to sit on in the hall many a day. My report cards confirm this.

At home or in other venues I kept quiet. I didn’t speak up. And, as a result I began to develop a sense of ‘not good enough’. As if I didn’t really deserve to ask for things. I would eat the overcooked steak, sit in the uncomfortable chair, and agree to things I didn’t really want to do.

Not speaking up is the beginning of a slide into more than just silence. If we’re not speaking up we’re not asking for what we need. And that means we’re not fully satisfied with our lives.

To ask is to acknowledge yourself.

To ask is giving yourself permission to pursue anything you want.

To ask is to be in alignment with your deepest self. 

It means you know what your body needs. You know what makes you happy, what feels right for you and what you need in any given situation.

If we don’t talk about what we want–if we don’t ask, we won’t get it. We won’t get our needs met. Whether it’s suffering through a movie we hate, sitting at the worst table in the restaurant or having to suffer through a friend’s upset without knowing how to help.

What would happen if we started asking for the things we wanted?

I sat down and quickly wrote out six questions I want to ask.

The answers to these questions would make me feel valued in a relationship, clear up a conflict with a relative, bring in better freelance writing pay and build my credentials as a public speaker.

In each case I would feel a deep satisfaction in knowing I value and respect myself enough to speak up.

It feels pretty powerful to think about getting my needs met. But. Suppose I ask for these things and they say No. Would I be crushed? No. Not necessarily.  Any response I get will help me understand the relationship. I can ask further questions or choose to focus my energies elsewhere. I might get a Yes to everything I ask for.

Wouldn’t that be powerful?

What would happen to your life if you thought about the questions you’ve been unwilling to ask? And got up the nerve to ask! What would change?

Here’s one of my questions. To my mother–”How can I help you, in my role as your caregiver, deal with the health-related problems that are decreasing your mobility?”  Her answer will tell me how committed she is to making some changes. And, I’ll have a clearer sense of my role and how to interact with her.

Would you share one of the questions you need to ask someone?

The post Are You Asking For What You Want? appeared first on Walker Thornton.

A new year does not equate with a clean slate. There will always be whisperings from the past, like the vague outline of half-erased words you can still make out. We carry our choices, our triumphs and our challenges with us. We can not negate the past. Beating ourselves up about what we didn’t or did do is a lousy idea.

Two years ago I decided to choose a defining word for the new year. Rather than make lists and resolve to do things differently I now look at a feeling, emotion or way of living that feels right for me in that moment in time.

My Christmas-addled, sugarcoated, grandchildren-rattled brain cannot remember where I saw the phrase or what caused it to stay with me. Bright and early Friday morning, after 6 hours of sleep, the words popped up and placed themselves front and center. Go Deeper is my theme for 2013.

Go Deeper.

It’s easy and comfortable to skim the surface, to settle on simpler, more palatable emotions. Less painful, less effort, less confrontation.

Out of necessity and desire I choose to go deeper.

My freelance writing: it requires constant marketing, querying and searching for new clients. It’s hard work that necessitates a more aggressive approach to promoting myself and seeking out business.

My book. The book.

What f*#@ing book? You ask. The book I’ve been batting around or avoiding since 2006. Yes. I’ve been afraid to dig deeper (and yes, I’m beating myself up here…which I said I wouldn’t do in the first paragraph, but this has to be said out loud. On paper.)

My personal stuff. I’ve been coasting, I keep taking the simpler road. It’s not the easier option it’s the less painful option. Go deeper here means facing up to the choices I make and having the courage to make it all about me. Literally.

What does go deeper mean for me? What would it mean in your life if you chose to take a look? I have to set some goals or at least put something down to keep me focused and accountable. It is and it isn’t like a resolution.

• The book: that’s easy. I want to write it and I believe it’s a story that needs to be shared.  I will create a schedule of writing and stick to it. I’ll tackle the stuff in the book that holds me back–the divorce, acknowledging the choices I made in the early dating days, sharing intimate details. Own it. 
• My freelance work: In progress. I’ve enrolled in a class with Linda Formichelli on writing for magazines. We start on January 3. And, I’ve signed up for a coaching session with a writing coach.
• My personal/ relationship stuff: More journaling, conversation and examination of why I do what I’m doing.
• Miscellaneous: There are so many places to explore. Every day we make choices–the easy ones, the hard ones. From washing the dishes right after dinner to folding the laundry or sorting out the book shelves. Examining cash flow, muting the television and picking up a book or a pen and paper. Zoning out is one of my favorite evening pastimes.  Going deeper might mean being present and keeping the above desired goals in mind at all times.

Go deeper is about me making the choice to honor what I need, desire, want. Of course I have to balance practicality with desire. Making money versus following my bliss. Eating healthy as opposed to living for Talenti’s Sea Salt Caramel gelato. Letting go of the excuses and habits that get in the way of me living the fullest life possible.

I look at this choice of words as a challenge for me to throw off the covers and come out into the light. And, I wouldn’t be surprised if many of you are also looking at reclaiming yourselves. We have the ability to create a delectable life for ourselves, if we choose.

Go Deeper

photo credit: quapan via photopin cc

The post Go Deeper-A Personal Call To Action for 2013 appeared first on Walker Thornton.

- The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte

Our lives may feel split at times…the work me, the sexual me, the mother me. The one who takes care of an aging parent, the person who strives to handle two jobs. They are all connected and when we feel a loss of power or joy or success in one area it affects all other areas of our lives.

I’ve noticed that my moods greatly impact all aspects of my life. My stresses transmute themselves into muscular knots in my right shoulder. My lack of sexual desire manifests itself in baggy sweats and a bad hair day.

I found Danielle LaPorte (here’s a blog post) earlier this year and just fell in love with her energy and sassy attitude. She’s what I want to be, in my own version of happiness. I bought and am working my way through the exercises in The Fire Starter Sessions (an affiliate link) and I’m getting ready to jump into her newest venture, The Desire Map. Her work speaks to me. It reminds me to let go of all the crap in my head and to get serious. Not put on a suit and pantyhose serious but rather a call to become intentional. To define who I am by what makes me feel happy.

In the Fire Starter Sessions there is a chapter about striving for the feeling rather than the goal. We’re urged to identify a few core feelings that are vital to our lives and to take those on. Everything we do should be about getting to those feelings. What good is it if I’ve worked hard at something only to walk away feeling empty? No, it’s not the traditional work model. It’s about tapping into our desire in order to find the things that fulfill us. The goal is to evoke a passionate response, which will bring us the success or satisfaction we’re striving for. That work was laying the groundwork for The Desire Map.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about passion and desire from a sexual viewpoint. And, you know what. That desire to embrace all of me-my sexuality, my femininity is about living an abundant life (abundant is one of my five core words). When I talk about sexuality and older women I feel energized. My levels soar, my writing gets better and clearer (some of the time). When I’m in those moments I know that I’m doing what I was meant to do. So, I get what Danielle means when she talks about mapping out our lives to get and create the desired environment.

I’d love for you to have those same feelings. Because I’ve got such a girl-crush on this woman and because I am in awe of her energy, her vision and her gutsiness, I’m promoting The Desire Map. It came out yesterday.

The program includes the book (in print, audio and digital!!), 17 worksheets, 9 audio meditational tracks, short videos, a 3-month inspirational email newsletter and a whole lot of love and positive reinforcement. The cost is $170, payable in 3 payments if you wish. (And, yes I’ll get a few bucks if you buy the book and extras through me.)

You’ll love it.

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― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

 I am in a dry place. Or maybe a swampy, energy-sucking mucky, dark place. I haven’t had sex in 16 days. I ended a relationship.  I hurt my back in the most benign of ways-sitting at my computer, so totally absorbed in something I can no longer recall, that I held a bad position long enough for my back to cry out in pain–that was 12 days ago. Sitting is now merely uncomfortable; last week it was excruciatingly painful. My mind reels with all the things I should be doing when all I’ve been able to do for the last week is lie down or do a semi-recline on the sofa and stare at the television.

I put pen to paper but can’t imagine how I can talk about embracing sexuality in this state.

Menopause brings on literal dryness and hormonal fluctuations that leave us lacking in desire. Illness, stress, financial woes, overeating or lack of exercise all contribute to a sense of stagnation or blocked creativity. Ending a relationship creates a void and the accompanying emotions can deflate the desire for sex.

Suddenly you find yourself avoiding or lacking intimacy. Lacking sexual energy which inspires, relaxes and engages us in the world around us.

What do you do? Simple question with complex answers.

Snap Out Of It!

Change your routine and add something fun or different into your day. Break the normal patterns that might be contributing to your sense of stagnation. It’s really about self-care, isn’t it?

• Pamper yourself-give yourself a manicure or splurge on a mini-spa trip. Draw a bath with scented oils and light some candles. Give yourself a pleasurable experience.
• Identify one thing that stresses you and see if you can eliminate it. Hate the idea of cooking yet another dinner? Ask the spouse to cook or order in. Go the deli and buy a combination of dishes to serve. Overwhelmed with a task? Break it down into small components and take 15 minute to tackle one.
• Go for a walk, run or swim. Move. Go outdoors and wander around. Observe what’s going on around you, take deep breaths. Let yourself enjoy the scenery.
• Read a sexy book or watch a movie–find something that is a turn-on for you. Or inspiring. Give yourself permission to be a little voyeuristic. Create a desire for pleasure.
• Reach out to your partner. If you don’t want to talk about the lack of intimacy–act on it. Massage his shoulders, run your hand down his arm, give him a kiss on the cheek. Cozy up to him on the sofa. The goal is to initiate physical contact, even if it’s only holding hands or cuddling. The smallest act of initiating lets him know you care and the physical contact helps to strengthen feelings of closeness, intimacy and desire.
•  Single? Show yourself some love. Give yourself a treat to acknowledge your own worth. Be intentional about rewarding yourself. Go out to dinner. Dress up a little. Put on your favorite perfume. Play music that pleases you.

The post Day 27 Awaken, Embrace, Ignite- Self-Care appeared first on Walker Thornton.

Me, Myself and I-What I Know About Love That I Didn’t Know When I Was 20

The photo is taken in the summer of 1975, I was 21 years old and on a 7 week cross-country trip with my then-to-be and now ex-husband. We got married the following summer, 9 days after my 22nd birthday. He was 23.

I grew up in a privileged world. My father, an alcoholic, died a week after I graduated from high school. He was only 43 years old. I loved him and I occasionally hated him. We lived a life of conspired silences, avoidances and fixed smiles–the facade of normalcy. He was not a ‘mean’ drunk but a man with many issues and a disease that surely contributed to his demise from cancer.

The alcoholism wasn’t discussed. We pretended. Living in a small town, under the scrutiny of neighbors–everyone, in a town of 500 where your father is the Commonwealth Attorney. Even as a child you learn to develop a mighty thick skin or you learn to ‘numb’ out.

My relationships with men have always been a little fucked up. A psychiatrist would say it had to do with my unresolved feelings about my father and his death. Probably a pretty good guess. I married the first eligible man who presented himself to me. And, I stayed married to him for 25 or so years. Miserable for the last 5, 10, 15 years (?) I remained faithful in the traditional, physical sense. You see, I know how to pretend that things are just fine. And, I didn’t think I deserved to be happy. I was afraid to state my desires and ask for the divorce.

I learned as a child that girls weren’t meant to be as outspoken as I was. Too assertive.  I was told that I’d look better if I wore a little (more) makeup, The implication was that dressing in a more feminine way and being softer and nicer to boys was critical to finding Mr. Right. The message I got was that I needed to find a man and keep him. When I chose to divorce I was blamed for not trying hard enough, for failing at marriage.

The message I incorporated during and after my divorce, reinforced by the earlier messages, was that I was nothing without a man. It was subtle and confounded by the relationship with my father. It’s taken me years to work my way through all those messages and voices-sorting out the internal and external messages. The 58 year old understands, finally, the validity of her choices and the wonderful strong woman she is. The attractive, resilient  still-single woman she is.

I wish the 20-year-old me had been more confident in her abilities. She needed to know that speaking out and making decisions based on her intuition, even when others were uncomfortable, was perfectly normal. They were strong instincts, based on common sense and intelligence. But, sometimes parents do so much damage to their children without really understanding what happens in the process of projecting their own wants, fears and disappointments.

I’d remind her that she is loved. Just loved. Not conditionally, no ‘you’d be better/prettier/more popular if.…’ Loved for all her beautiful traits and spirit. She needs to know that it is possible to be happy as a strong independent woman.

It’s hard to go back and think about what I would want my younger self to know. The path I see for her now might not have led to that marriage and these great sons I have. It might have been a different path; one where I saw myself  headed for a career. Or understood that I had the power to accomplish anything I set my mind to. But that wasn’t the message I got. And, in the shadow of my father’s illness and his short fatal battle with cancer, I slipped on the mask. I took on the mindset that would shape my relationship with men for decades!  When you think you need a man to be complete you’re–in a fucking mess–and likely to make some bad choices upon occasion.

Need vs. want. Loving self vs. loving another. Being happy as the person you are, not seeking happiness in the form of a man’s adoration or attention to you. It sets up a nasty power dynamic where one loses one’s own voice in an attempt to make that person happy.  Get a man and do anything to keep him.   That will be all the validation you ever need.

Don’t go there you smart, clever, determined, pretty 21 year old thing…

Thing bigger. Be more expansive. Don’t sell yourself short. Trust your own voice. Own your beauty, your intelligence, your wisdom, your power.

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- GEORGE SAND

Beauty is an internal thing. We are all beautiful women, in a way that is uniquely our own. Our laugh, the way we hold our head, our gifts and talents–define us and add dimension to who we are.

How do you feel about yourself today? If you’re a woman in the throes of menopause the answer may fluctuate with your hormones. When your body is out of sorts your life feels a little chaotic as well. Menopause comes at the very time when we’re going through other changes.  Children may be leaving home, aging is beginning to show itself in subtle ways. Thoughts of retirement, aging parents and the uncertainty of our world begin to weigh us down.

How, in the midst of all this turmoil, do we make time to love ourselves? Loving ourselves requires a little effort. We often forget that. With so many demands for our attention, finding time to care for ourselves is the last thing on the list.

You are the most important person in your life.

You have earned the right to pay attention to yourself.

• Take an hour, 4 hours, a whole day off-check out. Go on a play date with yourself. The movies, a spa day, a day in pjs with a great book. Give yourself permission to let go, to check out, to indulge.
• Speak out about what you need. Tell the boss you need an hour. Say “No” more often. Proclaim freedom from cooking dinner. Tell your partner where and how you like to be touched. Ask for what you want.
• Take inventory. List the things that you want to change in your life. Journaling is a great spontaneous way to let it all out. Just start writing. You’re not committing to anything, you’re letting a less conscious part of your brain speak.
• Unclutter a space in your house. Start with a 15 minute plan to remove things that aren’t necessary any more.
• Turn off the cell phone, shut down the computer. Walk away from your technology. Everyone will wait–this is your time.

You will find that taking care of your needs is deeply satisfying. You affirm your self-worth when you pay attention to yourself.

Know those days when you look in the mirror and think you look fabulous? It’s not an accident (though I sometimes say a little prayer for the glorious vision I behold). Things clicked–you’re feeling good about yourself and it shows. Kiss that person. Welcome her into your life. Ask her what she needs more of.

Make a promise to yourself today.

Today I will be conscious of my tendency to create negative thoughts. Today I will affirm myself.

That’s mine. What’s your promise?

The post Day 17 Awaken, Embrace, Ignite-Self-Care, You’re Worth It appeared first on Walker Thornton.

Women tend to say I’m sorry much more often than men. Men don’t ask permission. They don’t stand in front of the mirror and wonder if the suit makes their ass look big. Men don’t ask for advice. They just do it.

Every time we say “I’m sorry” it’s an admission of something that feels less than…It’s like saying we have a fault, a flaw, an inadequacy we feel the need to apologize for. Imagine that each time you say “I’m sorry” a little piece of your self fades away…

Stop apologizing for who you are.

I AM NOT SORRY FOR:

• Dyeing all my underwear purple at summer camp
• Dropping out of my graduate program because it was the wrong career move
• Divorcing for the purely selfish reason that I was unhappy
• Being the one who is always talking
• Not caring if my house is pristine and ‘designer’ decorated
• Saying no to things/activities/invitations that don’t excite me
• Procrastinating
• Talking and writing about sexuality
• Fiercely defending my children
• Being a little scatterbrained at times
• Wanting to have good sex at my age
• Thinking I have the right to be happy
• Whatever it is I’m about to do next

Do I regret some of my past decisions? Sure. What I regret most of all is what I didn’t do. All the choices I was afraid to make out of fear of being judged. Of found lacking. My fear that I didn’t deserve it.

Thankfully we get to rewrite our lives. We can make different choices. We don’t have to stay stuck, married, single, or in a dead-end job. We can choose to be happy. It starts with living a life free of regrets.

Thanks to Sandi of Deva Coaching for the inspiration.

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