I particularly love films with strong female characters, think Barbara Stanwyck, Bette Davis, Katherine Hepburn, Vanessa Redgrave, Meryl Streep, Brenda Blethyn…..  I’ve written about movies here before. And, there aren’t enough noteworthy movies with good females roles being made today! So, I was delighted to discover WIGS. WIGS is a digital channel on YouTube of short films featuring women. Each series is named for a woman and features top notch actresses with great writing from 2 seasoned filmmakers, Jon Avnet and Rodrigo Garcia.

I found out about WIGS when they contacted me about partnering to promote the current series, Christine, on The Diva of Dating. Christine, played by America Ferrare, is a 12 part film about speed dating. It’s great fun, whether you’re in the dating world or not. We’ll all rooting for our favorite guy and the buzz is huge.

There are  six other series in addition Christine, with actresses like Julia Stiles, Jennifer Garner, Virginia Madsen and more great female actors.

Here’s (the quick version) what I love about this films:

• They’re short
• The acting and cinematography is strong
• The focus is women
• They’re free!

Seriously. This is good film-making. Designed to be accessible, engaging and thought-provoking.  The people behind WIGS are using Facebook, Pinterest and other social media outlets to build a community of watchers. And their YouTube channel has almost 76,00 subscribers! Wow.

• If you want to see what I’ve written about Christine and the lessons we can learn in her speed dating experiences/catastrophes, go visit The Diva of Dating to read Tips On Speed Dating From The New WIGS Series, Christine. I’ll be posting more as the episodes roll out.
• To get another mid-lifer’s view of WIGS, visit Midlifebloggers to read Jane Gassner’s WIGS, YouTube’s Spotlight on Women.
• You’ll find WIGS at YouTube on the WIGS channel or The Diva of Dating channel (yes, I just created my own YouTube channel!!!)
• Visit the WIGS website

The post Women, Film and WIGS-Strong Positive Films For and About Women appeared first on Walker Thornton.

• The Quickie, Or How To Make Your Online Dating Profile Shine
• Online Dating-Is It a Date Or a Marriage Interview?

And, I’ve got a guest post over at 40 Plus Woman about The Diva and why I started the dating blog.

As always, thanks for reading.

The post An Apology and a Few New Things appeared first on Walker Thornton.

As The Diva, I will be writing for women and men over the age of 50 who want some advice about dating. The blog will offer specific tips, general advice and information on dating and relationships with a few of my dating stories sprinkled in here and there.

Are the issues of dating at age 50 different from those of 40-49 year olds? Not much.  I do believe that single, divorced or widowed individuals of some maturity have different needs from the average 20-30 year old. We aren’t going to date in the same fashion, use the same styles or frequent the same dating sites. A growing number of ‘seniors’ or ‘boomers’ or ‘midlifers’–whatever we call ourselves–are entering the dating pool. Many are out of practice, feel awkward and frankly… need a little help. And, that’s where The Diva of Dating comes in.

I invite you to come and join in the conversation. It should be fun.

The post Dating For the Over 50 Crowd appeared first on Walker Thornton.

She was right.

The man you met on an online dating site and might be talking to in an email, instant messaging, or on the phone IS a stranger. And, don’t forget it.

You must remember that here on the internet anyone can say anything. I could be a 15 year old boy. How would you know? The man you’re talking to through one of the online sites may not be who you think he is.

A 50 year old sex offender can easily masquerade as a successful lawyer. He can grab a photo from Brooks Brothers and use it as his own! Until you have the full name and enough information to research him, he can be anyone he wants.

Your job as a savvy woman is to maintain a degree of caution.

I always question a charmer. My life experience has taught me that the number of truly charming men, without agendas, is small. Yes, in the first flurry of emails and phone chats, charming is nice and important. No one wants to be rude at that point. But, excesses of any type should be a clue that something might be amiss.

Whether you’re 25 or 55, caution is necessary. You have to protect yourself. You have to be smart about dating.

I’ve said some of this before, but it bear repeating:

• Do not use your full name in a dating profile or the first few emails. Make sure you’re comfortable with the person before you give out too much  personal information. I don’t even give out my first name until we’ve had a few conversations, but I have an unusual name.

• You make the first phone call and block your number. Most cell phones allow you to block your phone number. Tell him you’re going to do that and if he seems offended or doesn’t understand your wish to be cautious, let that be a red flag.

• Schedule the first meeting for some place very public. Consider a coffee date rather than dinner. Don’t get caught in a situation where you might have to struggle through a whole meal with someone you can’t converse with.
• When you meet, park your car in a well-lit, public spot. You might consider not having him walk you to your car.

• Make sure someone knows you’re going on a date and who you’re going with. Give them some information about your date, where you’re going, etc.

Does this seem alarmist? Too cautionary? No. It’s common sense. It’s about being practical and safe.

Let’s say you agree to meet Joe Date for dinner. He shows up in a grubby t-shirt, is 30 lbs. heavier and 10 years older. He lied about being a lawyer. Now you’ve got to either extract yourself gracefully or suffer through dinner. Do you want him to know where you live? To walk down the dark side street with you, to your car?

I met Joe Date. He was a lawyer, I confirmed that. I got his last name, I knew where he went to college–I googled him! But he was about 12 years older, 3 inches shorter and had 3 ex-wives. And, at dinner (yes, I broke my own rule) he told me about having sex with wife #2, I think, over 10,000 times. He was a great conversationalist and could have been fun. But, he obviously had an agenda and was willing to be dishonest about several things in order to meet me. I chose not to see him again.

Be smart. Don’t rush into the first date. Take your time, chat and explore each other in a leisurely fashion before that first date. And, if he’s too eager and won’t wait, your instincts should tell you there’s a problem. Dating should be fun.

Stories to share?

The post Cautionary Tales in Dating appeared first on Walker Thornton.

Do you know what you want? I mean, do you really know what you want.

Are you sometimes swayed by the profile and all the promises, even though the basic incompatibility is lacking?  Does a great photo make you weak in the knees?  Do you get swept away by a catchy headline or a list of books or movies that coincide with yours? Even though he owns 3 snakes and has 3 ex-wives.

That moment where rationalization sidetracks us from our purpose.

How many times have you caught yourself thinking 100 miles isn’t that far away? Or agreeing to meet a smoker even though you hate cigarette smoke? Letting yourself be swept away with some simple romantic gesture.

I recently caught myself in Rationalization mode. I have no doubt we would have been well-matched intellectually, philosophically and in many other areas. But. I forgot the key words, “I Want”. I was about to meet a man who I knew, deep down, wasn’t what I wanted…

“It’s complicated….”

“We lead separate lives…”

I had a moment of clarity. Granted it took me three half-hearted email attempts before I finally cancelled the date.   Self to self: “You know what you want. This is not it.” Why sacrifice my own desires and wants for something tenuous, not quite right?

Dating is tough. Online dating is 10 times tougher. A handsome face, a sharp intellect (my aphrodisiac), beautiful wordsmithing…. You make yourself think he has what you want. But you know, deep down inside, that it just ain’t gonna work!

Get clear on what you want

Don’t settle. Figure out what you want. Sit down with pen and paper and start writing, I want____  (fill in the blank).  Fill the page. Ramble, doodle, draw it out and keep writing.

Ask for the moon, be selfish. Do a big old Me, Me, Me. Condense, clarify, eliminate, amplify, expand. Turn the list into the attributes of the right person for you.

The word cloud is my list. It includes what I want to have and what I refuse to do or accept. I suggest you not focus on negatives. I used them as a counterpoint to shaping a more me-centered approach.

How can you know what to look for if you don’t know what you want?  Are you going to be tempted by a chuck roast if your tastebuds are hungering for a big, fat juicy Ribeye? I don’t think so.

Get what YOU want.

The post Online Dating-Know What You Want. Pursue It appeared first on Walker Thornton.

Nevertheless, my advice is tinged with my own personal beliefs and, to a degree, limited to my research or personal experiences. I just recently read two pieces of erroneous or misleading advice on dating, targeted to the over 50  population.  And, my surprise and strong reaction led me to feel it was important to offer up another opinion.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist and  staff adviser for one of the more popular online dating sites. She’s appeared on many television shows and writes on the topic of sex and relationships. I don’t know if she’s ever participated in online dating sites or is single. And, that doesn’t necessarily matter, but it is helpful to have a little first hand experience. In a recent article she was quoted as saying, ” According to 2010 U.S. Census data, almost 30 percent of the 78 million Baby Boomers are single. Every day, thousands of those single Boomers venture online to find companionship. And unlike the average social event or stroll through the grocery store, everyone in an online dating setting is single and looking to meet someone.”  source

She’s right, there are many, many Boomers on the online dating sites. But, her blanket statement that everyone is single is a bit misleading.  There are many men on these dating websites who are married and looking for extramarital sex. Some sites like OKCupid allow married men to post profiles, so the number who put their status as Married is significant. On other sites like Match and eHarmony, married people are not allowed to have profiles. So, they lie. With a little experience, you can figure out who’s married by the words they use and the type of information they share.

Anyone who is going to start dating again must understand the potential to get in correspondence, unknowingly,  with a married man or woman. And, you need to make that decision beforehand as to how they will proceed. It may be fine with some and absolutely not alright with others. But, it is a strong possibility that you will run into married people seeking other partners on every dating site out there.

The second bit of advice  came from a woman who writes a dating blog. A woman had written to this female blogger asking whether she should be trying online dating sites since she wasn’t interested in sex anymore. The response was along the lines of “No problem. Lots of older men are no longer interested in sex so that won’t be an issue.”  She must be experiencing a whole different set of men than I’m seeing online. Men in their 50′s and 60′s are very interested in sex and will often say so.

A better piece of advice for that woman might have included a delicately worded suggestion to talk to her gynecologist to see if there were physical problems  related to her lack of desire. Then, she could have gone on to say that, as with any venue, there are people with a wide range of needs and desires so it might be important to be open about her desire for  a nonsexual dating relationship. And, I’d suggest that conversation happen sooner rather than later to save her the trouble of meeting men who might be disappointed. She could indicate an interest in friendly dating, casual acquaintances, no romance, etc., to convey her intent.

Neither of these women gave dangerous advice, but both of them used broad generalizations meant to soothe and reassure individuals. It was well-intentioned but misleading. Amorousness is not relegated to the 49 and under crowd. People are still cheating on their spouses, with great regularity, and being less and less cautious about that as well. And there are plenty of 68 year old men out there who are raring to go and armed with Viagra, Cialis and Levitra.  Anyone who enters the dating scene after a number of years out of ‘the game’ should be prepared to meet all kinds of challenges as well as delightful scenarios. It requires clear communication, caution, and a willingness to risk a little.

The post Online Dating Advice-There are No Absolute Truths appeared first on Walker Thornton.

What’s Your Price is a dating site, run by Brandon Wey, with an unusual twist. On the left side of the site is a small square with the words “Everyone has a Price. What’s Yours?”  With a category called  “Generous Members”, people  may offer and pay money to the “Attractive Members”  to go on dates with them. Mr. Wey acknowledges that the Generous Members-does he intend for that to be a pun?- are most often males and the Attractive Members are usually women. The GMs can bid from $10 to $1000 on an AM. She can then pick which one of the offers she likes and go out with the bidder. Of course Mr. Wey gets a percentage, from 5 to 10%.

Apparently the site, which is only a few months old is having some success, women are putting up profiles of themselves in suggestive poses, scantily clad. The owner insists this is not a sex for sale site and that his members are not prostitutes.

In an interview on Los Angeles news channel KTLA, Mr Wey defends the website as giving people to “buy the chance at love, to buy the first date to break the ice to get to know the person better.” “No sex is involved,” he said.

To the women, Mr Wey says it is an “empowering” website because “time is your worth”. Through WhatsYourPrice.com, women have a means of filtering through the available men and if the date does not work out, she still gets compensated.

“It may seem materialistic for a woman to find a rich man, or shallow for such a man to flaunt his wealth but that’s the way the world works,” he said in an interview with The Sunday Times.  Source

We shouldn’t be surprised that someone is using sex to make money. But, it’s hard to imagine the number of women who are apparently willing to sell themselves for a date. It’s exploitative, at the most base level and yet, these women are voluntarily enrolling in the online dating site.  Shallow and materialistic? Indeed.

The post Wanna Date Me? How Much Are You Willing to Pay? appeared first on Walker Thornton.

In the span of three weeks I’ve come up against the cultural perception of what defines “woman”. The first, shockingly, came from my 5 year old granddaughter who told me I wasn’t a woman because I was wearing pants, she included her mother in that category as well. I was told firmly that women wore dresses. Perplexed and fighting off a feminist-type lecture I listened to her chat on a bit.  She went on to talk about Princesses, who always wear dresses in the movies. Ah!  In this grandmother’s opinion, she’s living too heavily in the Princess thing right now.  I didn’t bother to dissuade her or offer my opinion, after all she’s only 5. But, I’ll begin to start countering that in upcoming visits.

The second such shock came from a man who wrote me on a dating site. I failed to use my intuition here. He’s about my age but obviously has a very different notion on the Women’s Lib topic. His first email to me was full of ramblings about Knights and Princesses (his capitalization). I should have known right then and there. And, in fact I did say no thanks, but when he wrote back to ask why, I said it was a bad day, etc…. and invited him to share a photo and more information.  The email came back with more Knights; apparently his genealogy studies revealed the presence of knights.  He called himself a romantic and then he dropped this bomb- if you will wear a dress, I will treat you like a woman. I bristled and let him know nicely that I was a woman, regardless of my clothing choice and that we clearly weren’t going to be a good match.

If you’re engaged in online dating, you realize the diversity of people out there, with preconceived notions, both narrow and broad minded , about what constituted their ‘match’. When entering into online dating, it’s important to have some clarity about your ideal match and the things that indicate a lack of compatibility. For me, that includes anyone who feels the need to dictate my dress or behavior and anyone who has rigid ideas that don’t coincide with my ideas. And, sometimes you may not realize how strongly you feel about a topic until confronted with it.

OKCupid has a unique feature that allows members to get a better glimpse at potential matches.  You’re offered a series of questions to answer and when looking at a match you can see how your answers compare. It can be fascinating and extremely illuminating.  For example, one of the questions is whether you’d be willing to cheat on a partner you’re in a committed relationship with and keep it secret. I found that question in the profile of a man who looked interesting and was surprised to see that his answer to that question was Yes.  That’s what I call a deal-breaker.

It’s a constant challenge to juggle all the varied thoughts and feelings about dating. But, to be successful and minimize the unsatisfactory moments, it helps to be attuned to thought patterns, sexual proclivities and all the other little and not so little things that you don’t want in a partner. Just when I think I know exactly what I will not tolerate, I’m hit with a man who has his own conflicting idea of what defines a woman.  At this age, we’re way past the Disney stage. I don’t do Princess and the type of man who wants that, won’t be a good fit for me. But, he may suit the next woman he contacts and they can live happily ever after.

Have you thought about this? Do you have a list of dealbreakers you use to assess good or possible matches? You don’t have to write them down, but it helps to have an idea of the type of man you want to meet. I do. For me, the notion of equal status is very important, and I’ve just been reminded of that. I dealt with Prince Charming, I’ll start gradually working on my granddaughter in the months and years to come!

The post The Quest for Compatibility in Online Dating appeared first on Walker Thornton.