It’s the day before Valentine’s Day. Some of you are in a panic about this–what to get her, what does she want? What can I do to make sure she won’t get mad and think I don’t care. I wonder about this expectation that men are supposed to shower women with visible signs of their devotion, attachment, love, fidelity–etc. A little one-sided, right?
Here’s an article I wrote that’s been re-released by Kinkly.com–my thoughts on Valentine’s Day.
Don’t send me flowers. Flowers are lovely; don’t get me wrong. Buy me flowers in mid-March just because. Plant a bed of flowers this summer where I’ll see them every morning. For Valentine’s Day, I want something different.
Show up Sunday morning in my bedroom with two cups of hot coffee and crawl into the bed with me. Talk to me. Tell me about your week at work or what you’re reading. Ask me questions. Ask me what I need from you today, this week, this month, and this year.
Listen to me. Really hear me. Make eye contact. Touch my leg or give me a kiss on my shoulder or the inside of my elbow.
Make love to me with your eyes, then your fingertips. Seduce me with words. Let me see your desire. Slowly. Ignore my genitals for the first twenty minutes, as you love me in more intimate ways. Hold back your need until mine is in full arousal.
On Valentine’s Day don’t make a reservation at that new 4-star restaurant. Save that for a less crowded night when we both want a special evening. How about Thai takeout and an erotic movie?
Let’s take inventory of our sex life and our relationship. What do you like the most? Ask me the same. Let’s talk about how your warm breath on my inner thigh turns me on and where I most like you to touch me. Tell me how I can pleasure you in more exciting ways. Show me. Guide me.
What about how we women show our love and affection to the men in our lives? Does he really want to go out to dinner? What would your partner most like to receive from you right now? Ask him.
Have you ever told him how he makes you feel? Complimented him on his sexual prowess? “l love it when you ____________”. “Thank you for showing up.” He needs to hear how you feel and how his actions excite and please you. It would be a mistake to think that men don’t feel the same insecurities that we feel upon occasion.
Telling a loved one how they make you feel is important. It is the gift that brings more rewards than any shiny red thing you might buy to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It’s the real gift from the heart.
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Valentine’s Day is the second biggest day for card sales. It seems to get more consumerist every year. Those of us who ‘buy into’ it often end up feeling short-changed. What, no diamonds? Only 2 red roses? A generic card?
What started out as heartfelt sentiment has been tainted over time, but you can still find a way to communicate your feelings in a meaningful way to your partner/lover.
Start with the understanding that giving is as powerful as receiving. It takes a little more effort to buck tradition, and maybe a little apprehension that the recipient may not be as appreciative. So, buy the rose if you want to and save it for later. You probably won’t need it. Give the best gift you can give: the gift of your presence, your love, and your willingness to engage in a mutual journey of love, respect, and intimacy.
You can find more of my writings at Kinkly here.